


You can't outrun your emotions

by Gretti_writes



Category: MacGyver (TV 2016)
Genre: Angst, Cutting, Depression, Eating Disorders, Electroconvulsive Therapy, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Mental Health Issues, Mental Health section, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Suicide Notes, Surgery, psychiatric hospital, reluctant patient
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-05
Updated: 2021-03-06
Packaged: 2021-03-09 21:29:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 36,726
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27903016
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Gretti_writes/pseuds/Gretti_writes
Summary: Jack knows that Mac is struggling.Nobody should have to go through everything he has recently: Codex, his aunt, his parents, Charlie……it’s too much for one person. His kid is going through hell and he’s stopped talking about it. Jack can see that Mac is just putting his head in the sand, compartmentalising. He’s put his walls up so high, nobody has a chance of breaking them down.
Comments: 129
Kudos: 80





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is set after Codex but Jack never left (I mean, I know most of us wish he'd never left), so Desi never joined. This is a dark one, please heed the additional tags for trigger warnings. I will update as I add chapters. Only my second MacGyver fic....as always, whilst some of it might be accurate, it's fiction so I might have taken some liberties!
> 
> Special mention must go to my amazing beta @TeamImprov. Always knows what I want to say when I don't!

Jack knows that Mac is struggling.

Nobody should have to go through everything he has recently: Codex, his aunt, his parents, Charlie……it’s too much for one person. His kid is going through hell and he’s stopped talking about it. Jack can see that Mac is just putting his head in the sand, compartmentalising. He’s put his walls up so high, nobody has a chance of breaking them down.

Matty is debating grounding him but knows that will probably make things worse. She just has to trust that Jack, Riley and Bozer can keep him safe. She’s mulling this over when Jack appears in the war room. He closes the door and frosts the glass. She can already tell this isn’t about a mission.

‘We need to talk about Mac. He’s not himself. He’s always been guarded about how he feels but he used to be open with at least me. Now I’m getting nothing. If he says “I’m fine” one more time, I might punch something. We have to do something Matty’.

‘I know but realistically what can we do?’

‘Couldn’t you just ground him’

‘Because forcing him into a corner has always worked before, right? He needs to come to us. He’ll just clam up even more if we try to interfere’.

‘Have you seen him? He’s wasting away in front of us. The sparkle in his eyes has gone and I don’t think he’s had a proper meal in weeks. I know Bozer has been making all his favourite meals. Nothing is working. Matty…. I’m scared we are going to lose him’. Jack stops pacing and slumps down into one of the armchairs. Matty can't help but frown at the intense worry radiating off the man. She steps toward him, voice softening in a sad attempt at being more reassuring.

‘We are not going to lose him. I won’t let that happen. You hear me? We will get him through this. I don’t want to force him into anything…. but maybe I could bring his routine physical forward. That way the medics can check his health. I know he’s lost weight, so they might have something to say about that; especially if he’s not eating and it’s going to affect his ability to go on missions. I’ll just move the whole teams forward, so he doesn’t think he’s being singled out.

Do you think I should try talking to him?’

‘I don’t know anymore. I guess you could try. Nothing else is working. Bozer doesn’t think he’s sleeping. I’m sure you’ve noticed the black bags under his eyes. They are just getting worse. He’s in the lab right now with Riley. I think she was going to try and get him to eat something.

I don't know how much longer I can just sit around watching him disappear like that. He won't let me help or even acknowledge anything is wrong. How can I help if he won't even talk to me?’

As if exhausted by the weight of the words themselves, Jack sighs, deeply, and digs his palms into his closed eyelids. Matty's eyebrows crease in newfound concern. She knew Mac was having a hard time, but she didn't realise just how bad it was getting.

‘Maybe it’s a good thing to bring the physicals forward, looks like you need a rest too, huh?’

After a few minutes, Jack gets himself together.

‘The only time I'm gonna be getting any rest is when I know he's okay’.

‘He will. I’m going to speak to him now. Why don’t you go home?’

‘No, I can’t leave. I need to know what happens’.

‘Ok, well why don’t I see if Medical can do your physical now or at least part of it. Then I can send Mac down after our chat’.

‘As much as I hate physicals, that sounds like a great idea’.

‘Good. Go. I’ll sort things out’.

**MacJackMacJackMacJackMacJackMacJack**

Mac can’t concentrate. He’s been sat here for two hours and he’s not sure he’s made much progress. He can see Riley sneaking looks at him over the top of her rig. He’s meant to be helping her with a new, ultra-small, undetectable tracker for the TAC vests, but his heart isn’t in it. It hasn’t been in anything since his Dad died. He’s not sure what the point is anymore. He doesn’t want to keep putting his family in danger. Maybe he should just leave the Phoenix again, but he doesn't think he could bear leaving his team again. Where would he even go this time?

‘Mac, are you going to hold onto that soldering wire all day?’

Riley’s voice interrupts his reverie, and he realises he must have spaced out for a bit.

‘Sorry Riles. Just thinking. I’m gonna grab some coffee. Want some?’

‘No thanks. Don’t think I need any more caffeine running round my system; especially now Matty has scheduled my physical for tomorrow’.

‘What? They aren’t due for another month, are they?’

‘They were’, Riley says. ‘But she just sent an email changing the date. You better check when yours is’. 

Mac feels his stomach start to roll and suddenly he’s bending over the closest bin, retching up bile. There isn’t anything of sustenance in there to come up. Riley hops off her stool and grabs some tissues, before coming to crouch next to him.

‘Are you ok? You look really pale. Maybe you should go home, get some rest’.

Mac’s phone chimed and he looked down at it.

‘I’m fine. Matty needs to see me. Got to go’.

With that, Mac is on his feet and out the lab in a hurry. Riley sighs, quickly walks back to her rig and sends Matty a message.

**MacJackMacJackMacJackMacJackMacJack**

Mac sits on the closed lid of the toilet seat in the bathroom. He’s just gonna take a few minutes. If he goes to Matty now, she’ll probably send him home and he doesn’t want that. All that time alone with his thoughts. He runs his hand through his hair.

_Maybe I ought to have it cut, look a bit more presentable. Doubt anyone will notice though._

He knows Matty is waiting for him, but his head feels a bit woozy. He started seeing white spots as he got up and left the lab, but he didn’t want to stop and let Riley know. He already feels better having sat still for a moment.

It’s been 15 minutes since Matty text, and he ought to get going.

_They’ll just send out a search party if I’m any later._

**MacJackMacJackMacJackMacJackMacJack**

Mac walks into the war room to find Matty alone.

_Uh-oh_

‘Mac, good. Close the door and take a seat’. Matty walks across to frost the glass before talking a seat opposite him. He can tell this is going to be a conversation he would rather avoid.

‘So, I’m checking in with each of my agents. How are you doing?’

‘I’m good thanks’.

‘Care to elaborate a bit more than that Blondie? I know you’ve had a lot to deal with in the last couple of months, what with Codex and your dad’s death’.

Mac tries to avoid flinching at the reminder of all that’s gone wrong recently. He’s not going to pour his soul out to Matty.

‘I’m fine. You’re right. It has been a rocky couple of months but I’m doing ok. You don’t need to worry about me. I’m good to do my job’.

‘Mac, I have to be honest and say that I _am_ worried about you. You don’t look like you’ve been sleeping very well’.

Mac knows he has to play this carefully or he might end up breaking down in front of Matty. Maybe if he’s partly truthful she might back off.

‘You don’t need to worry, really. I’ll admit that my sleep has been broken lately but I’m still getting some solid hours in. I think it might just take time to settle down again’.

‘Ok, if you are sure?’

Matty knows she isn’t getting the whole truth, but she doesn’t want to push too hard.

‘Yep, all good’, Mac answers. ‘So, I’ll just head back to the lab to help Riley’.

‘Hold your horses. I’ve just asked Riley to gather some intel for another op, so she’s going to be tied up for the afternoon. I’ve also pulled your teams physicals forward. The medics had some time on their hands. I thought I better make use of it. Medical are expecting you anytime now. Jack’s already gone for his’.

‘Wait. You want me to go to my physical now? A bit of warning would have been nice’.

‘Do I warn you about missions starting? No’.

There’s silence.

‘Do we have a problem?’, Matty raises her eyebrows, waiting for a response.

‘No’.

‘Good, off you go then’.

Mac drags himself out the armchair, his muscles suddenly feeling much heavier than they were. He makes it to the door before the white spots are back, his legs starting to feel wobbly. Then they collapse beneath him and he sees the floor rushing up to meet him.

Everything goes blank.

**MacJackMacJackMacJackMacJackMacJack**

Matty knew this might happen. She turns round with the phone in her hand, just as Mac hits the floor. ‘Get in here’ she shouts into her phone.

Medical staff appear within seconds. Matty had prepped them after receiving the message from Riley about Mac vomiting in the lab. She walks over to the group huddled by the door. Mac is in the recovery position, an oxygen mask strapped to his face. He looks like he’s coming round as he goes to push the mask off.

‘Agent MacGyver, Mac, it’s Dr Reeves. You collapsed. I need you to leave the oxygen on for now’.

‘What? I just felt a bit woozy. I probably need to grab a snack. I feel fine now, I’ll just go home’.

Mac tries to rise but is halted by hands on his body.

‘No Mac, you are not fine. Collapsing in the war room and vomiting in the lab are the definition of not fine. You will go to Medical with Dr Reeves. That is an order’.

Mac feels a sharp prick in his fingertip and tries to pull his hand away. ‘He’s hypoglycaemic, blood sugar is 55.’ Dr Reeves tells Matty.

Mac knows it’s a losing battle as someone re-secures his mask and several hands lift him onto a gurney. He’ll go to Medical as ordered but Matty didn’t say he had to stay there.

**MacJackMacJackMacJackMacJackMacJack**

Jack is just finishing up his physical obs as Mac gets wheeled into Medical.

‘Mac, buddy. What happened?’

Mac yanks off the mask ‘I’m fine Jack, this is all a massive overreaction’.

‘Uh-huh. You look just fine. I’m gonna try that question again with Dr Reeves. Put that back on’.

‘Mac collapsed in the war room and I understand he also vomited earlier in the lab. He is due his physical this afternoon, so we’ll get to the bottom of it’, Dr Reeves said reassuringly.

‘Slide across onto the bed please Mac. Let’s get some obs, all the usual plus a urine dip, 12 lead ECG and another blood glucose. Let’s also do bloods – CBC, U’s & E’s, LFTs, Magnesium, Phosphate and Potassium’.

‘This isn’t necessary, really’, Mac manages to huff out whilst wrestling with a nurse, who is trying to remove his shirt.

‘Yes, it is, and you don’t have anywhere to be’.

‘Fine, but I can remove my own shirt thanks, and everything else is staying on’.

‘Ok, but I’ll be back in a moment’. Dr Reeves raises his eyebrows and turns on his heel to go.

Jack hovers by the wall, not entirely sure what to say, but he is damn well gonna make sure Mac doesn’t leave.

Dr Reeves returns five minutes later. Mac is now the proud owner of an IV cannula, a BP cuff, 12 sticky pads on his chest and a pulse ox.

_I feel like some sort of lab experiment. I just felt a bit faint. I don’t know why they are all making such a big deal. I’m not worth it. Haven’t they learnt that in the last two months? Haven’t they learnt I’m too dangerous to stay around?_

‘So, Mac, you okay with Jack sticking around?’

‘If he wants to be here’. Mac looks at Jack.

_I don’t really want him to stay but I don’t have the energy to argue and it will just make him suspicious._

Jack nods and Dr Reeves continues.

‘We are still waiting for your blood panel to come back; it will probably be another 35-40 minutes. I am a bit concerned about some of your obs though. Your blood pressure is very low. Lower than your normal low level before you say anything. That, in combination with the hypoglycaemia is probably the reason you collapsed. When did you last eat anything?’

‘Urm… well I missed breakfast. Was running a bit late’, Mac lies, knowing full well he had plenty of time and just wasn’t hungry. ‘I guess dinner last night’. Another lie. A banana doesn’t constitute ‘dinner’.

‘OK, well, I want you to try and get back to regular meals. You’ve definitely lost some weight since I saw you last. How’s your sleep?’

‘The usual. A few broken nights but that’s normal’.

‘And concentration? Any difficulty with that? Feeling lightheaded, dizzy? Any headaches?’

‘No, no and no. All fine doc. I probably just needed some food’.

_He knows something isn’t right. Can’t he just stop asking questions._ _He should focus on someone who actually deserves to be saved._

‘Right. We just need to wait for your bloods to come back and I think we’ll leave it there for today. Everything else can wait. I’ll be maybe 30 minutes, then we can make a plan’. With that, Dr Reeves leaves the room.

Jack slowly walks over to the bed and sits on the edge.

‘I’m worried about you Hoss. I know you weren’t being straight with the doc. I mean, what did you actually have for dinner last night? Would I call it dinner?’

Mac doesn’t respond. Won’t even make eye contact with Jack.

‘I’ll take that as a no. Look, I know things have been rough the last year, especially recently, and I haven’t been around for you as much as I should have. I can see you’re struggling. Just talk to me Mac. I’m here and I’ll help, if you just let me in’.

Silence.

_Why does Jack have to do this? Can’t he see a lost cause? Why doesn’t he realise I’m doing this to protect him? He can’t save me, and I don’t want him to feel like he’s failed. I’m the failure. Surely they can see that. They just need to leave me alone. Then I’ll be gone, and they can get on with living their lives. Not have me dragging them down._

‘I’m tired, Jack’, Mac admits without really realising it. ‘I haven’t been sleeping and I can’t stop thinking about everything that’s happened. But I’ll be fine. I think I’m gonna try to close my eyes until the results come back’.

‘I can wait with you if ya want’, Jack offers but Mac shakes his head no, his eyes downcast. 

Jack looks a bit dejected at his response but waits until Mac has laid down properly before he pulls the covers up, dims the lights and leaves the room. He won’t go far. The chair at the end of the hall is fine.

Jack manages to doze. The stress and worry from the last few months catching up with him. He feels a hand on his shoulder and is instantly awake. Dr Reeves looms over him, frowning.

‘Blood results back?’

‘Yes. Sorry to wake you but I thought you’d be in with Mac’

‘He said he was tired. Some actual honesty, I think. Asked me to leave so he could sleep’.

‘Well, given his blood work I’m not surprised. His body is exhausted. Unfortunately, if he is still asleep, I’m going to need to wake him soon to discuss the results. We need to make a plan to get him back to a healthy weight’.

‘Let’s go then’.

Jack leavers himself out the chair, walks to Mac’s door and opens it. He hopes Mac will still be asleep. However, that’s not the case.

‘No, No, No, No! Mac, what are you doing?’ Jack strides into the room, noting the empty bed. Discarded monitoring equipment strewn across it, and Mac nowhere to be seen. His heart breaks that Mac would feel the need to escape so badly he would lie to him.

‘I’m sorry doc. I should have known this might happen. I just really thought he was starting to listen. Damn it! I’ll track him down and bring him back’.

‘Jack, we all know Mac’s not a fan of Medical. It’s not your fault and usually, him going AWOL after what looks like a simple episode of syncope, wouldn’t worry me. However, I do need you to find him. Some of his values are causing me concern and if we don’t find him soon, he may be at serious risk’.

Jack lets his face show a moment of worry before determination burns bright in his eyes. He’s going to find his kid and he’ll drag him back kicking and screaming if necessary.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mac has disappeared from Medical, Jack is determined to find him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much for all the lovely comments, it helps make continuing to write easier! Much love as always to my beta @teamimprov.
> 
> Please heed the tags. This is a rough chapter.....

Mac knows he needs to leave Medical before his blood test results come back or they’ll make him stay. His body doesn’t feel like his own any longer. He can see he’s lost weight. He’s always cold and never hungry.

Once Dr Reeves goes, he manages to persuade Jack he’s going to catch up on some sleep. For once, he doesn’t feel guilty about lying to someone he cares for.

_I’m saving him. There’s no reason for me to pull him down too. He just needs to let me go and if he won’t, I’ll do it for him. I’m not worth it._

As soon as Jack has left, Mac starts detaching himself from the machines. Thankfully his shirt is still in one piece and he pulls it on. He calls an uber, feeling too exhausted to drive and then takes apart his phone, leaving the various pieces in a sharps bin. By the time Mac makes it to the door of his room, Jack is dozing down the hall. He successfully leaves Medical undetected and makes it all the way to the main entrance before he has to stop. Stop and catch his breath. His heart racing in his chest.

_Just one more thing. Then I’m done._

Mac borrows an envelope from reception, puts a note to Matty and his Phoenix passkey inside and asks security to give it to the Director in half an hour.

_Thank goodness they’re used to odd instructions. Well, from me anyway._

Mac relaxes back into the leather seat of the uber and before he knows, it’s pulling up at the house. Mac can feel his breathing becoming more laboured, but he pushes on. He’s on a timeline now. Once inside the house, he goes straight to the spare room, retrieves a box from under the bed and one of Jack’s well-worn hoodies. He grabs a handful of paperclips, a pad and pen and takes it all out to the deck.

Mac sits down at the firepit, staring out at the Los Angeles skyline. He checks the time and places his watch on the smooth wood next to him. He slides over the box he retrieved and puts it on his lap. A moment later it’s open. Mac takes a deep breath and puts his hand around the cool rubber of the grip. He’s forgotten how heavy it is.

_There’s a reason I only carry a knife, but my knife won’t do this job. I hate it but it will be quick and clean and final. No more pain, guilt, numbness. I can leave them in peace to get on with their lives. Save them from danger. They won’t go if I ask them, so I’ve got to go. They’ll be ok. They have each other. I’m the broken one. They don’t need me._

Not even really thinking about it, Mac’s army training kicks in. He checks the magazine, inserts it and slides a round into the chamber, before gently placing the gun on the edge of the firepit.

**MacJackMacJackMacJackMacJackMacJack**

Jack dashes down the Phoenix corridors, shouting ‘make a hole’ at anybody in his way. He charges breathlessly into the war room.

‘Mac’s gone. He told me he was going to get some shut eye and then sneaked off. I’m telling you, something isn’t right’.

Matty turns round to face him, her face pale.

‘I know’.

She holds out the envelope she’s got in her hand.

‘What’s this?’

‘Security gave it to me a moment ago’.

Jack opens the envelope and pulls out a passkey; Mac’s passkey he realises. There is also a note. One word written in Mac’s scruffy handwriting.

‘Sorry’.

Jack blanches and goes to leave. He can’t let his kid take off without him again. If Mac has to go to Africa to get away from it all, then Jack’s going with him this time. But it doesn’t seem like last time. Mac is more damaged now, has more scars than he did back then, and there’s a sinking feeling in Jacks’ gut that tells him Mac is not okay; even more than they already know.

‘I’m going to find him Matty. Get Riley to track his phone’.

‘Go’.

He makes a beeline straight for security. They aren’t couch potato security; Jack handpicked them.

‘Hey, did you see Agent MacGyver leave?’

‘Yeah, about 35 minutes ago. Wasn’t driving the jeep though. Think he got an uber or similar. Probably for the best, he looked exhausted’.

‘Thanks’, Jack shouts as he makes his way to the garage whilst calling Riley.

‘Hey darlin’, any luck?’

‘No, he’s not showing up. I reckon he ditched his phone, probably took it apart knowing Mac’.

‘Security just said Mac left in an uber or something about 35 minutes ago. Tell me you can find out where he went?’

‘Of course I can, just…. give me a minute’.

Jack could hear the emotion filtering through her voice.

‘Hey. Riley. I’ll go and get him ok? He’s gonna know that we are all there for him; even with Bozer away helping out another team. He can’t get rid of us that easily’.

‘I know. Looks like the uber took him home. Go get him Jack, please’.

‘I will’.

Jack finishes the call, gets in his GTO and puts his foot down; hoping he’ll get to Mac before he does something he can’t take back.

**MacJackMacJackMacJackMacJackMacJack**

Jack makes it to the house in record time. Running up the path to the door he clocks Matty’s text - Medics on their way, just in case. Jack puts his phone back in his jacket and enters the house. All is quiet.

‘Mac? You here buddy?’

Nothing. His stomach churning, Jack methodically checks the house. He’s climbing the steps to the deck when he sees him.

Mac is sat by the firepit staring out at the view. There are bits of paper laying all over the floor, whilst another pile is neatly stacked on the deck next to him. Jack’s eyes fall on the familiar paperclip models lined up next to the stacked paper. Muscles tense, he finally allows himself to look at Mac properly. He’s dressed in an old, worn hoodie that Jack recognises as his own. Mac’s face shows no emotions, like there is only a shell of a body left behind. He sits unmoving, like a statue. That’s when Jack notices the gun in Mac’s hands and Jack freezes.

_Mac hates guns, w_ _on’t_ _even touch one unless he’s forced to. He would never...._

He has to stop himself from running over to Mac and pulling it from him. He doesn’t want to scare him. He has to do this carefully.

There’s a noise behind Jack and he partially turns, keeping one eye on Mac. Dr Reeves and a couple of Phoenix EMT’s have just let themselves in. He motions for them to stay put. Turning his focus back to Mac, Jack slowly finishes climbing the steps and cautiously makes his way over to the firepit.

‘Hey Mac. It’s me. Just thought I would check in. See how you are. Gave us a bit of a fright when you disappeared like that’.

It doesn’t look like Mac even knows Jack’s there. There’s no reaction. His hands are eerily still, no fiddling now, knuckles white where he’s holding the gun so tightly. Jack hops down and gingerly sits; not too close but close enough that he can reach for the gun if required. That’s what he’s got to do, take the gun from Mac if he can. Make him safe. Take away the temptation. Mac always used to find Jack’s rambling soothing, so he starts up again as he inches closer.

‘Nice view up here today Hoss. I can see why you chose to skip Medical when this is the other option. You seem to be wearing my hoodie. Don’t think I’ve forgotten that’s mine. And yes, it’s still mine. I just leave it here occasionally, loan it out to you. In fact, I wouldn’t mind it right now. It’s getting a bit chilly out here. Your hands must be getting cold brother. Why don’t I hold onto whatever you’ve got there, and you can get those hands warmed up by the fire. I’ll even find you a paperclip to fiddle with. How about that? Sound good?’

Jack gently closes his hands around Mac’s. He starts as Mac suddenly lowers his blue eyes to look directly at him.

‘Mac? You with me?’

‘Jack? What are you doing here?’

‘Come to check you were ok Hoss. I have to say, you have me a bit worried’.

Jack’s eyes flick down towards their hands and Mac’s eyes follow.

‘What? Jack, I don’t….’.

Mac’s eyes start to water as he realises what he’s holding. His hands start to shake. Jack seizes the opportunity and firmly takes the gun, making it safe, before sliding it down the back of his jeans. He’ll deal with it later.

Jack clasps his hands over Mac’s and looks straight into his eyes.

‘Hey. You’re not very well at the moment but you’re going to be ok, you hear me?’

Mac collapses into his chest, tears flooding his face. Jack puts his arms around Mac and just holds him. He can feel the shudders and gasps as his kid sobs, the wails as Mac’s world falls apart.

Jack doesn’t know how long they sit on the deck like that; a father cradling his son in fear he’ll disappear.

He feels a gentle hand on his shoulder and looks up to see Dr Reeves.

‘I think we should get going’, he mutters quietly.

Jack nods and looks down at the blonde locks under his chin.

‘Buddy, I think it would be a real good idea to go and get you checked out, hmmmm. I think you’re hurting, and I reckon we should start fixing that. What do you think?’

Mac pulls his face away from Jack’s chest, tears still streaming down his face and silently nods. Jack isn’t used to seeing him so fragile and lost. It’s almost too much. He turns back to Dr Reeves.

‘Can we give him something, make him sleep? He’s exhausted and it might be easier’.

‘If he’ll let me yes. I don’t want to force it’.

‘Ok, let’s try it’.

Jack turns back.

‘Mac, I know this all feels overwhelming at the moment, but we’ve got help right here. How would you feel if we gave you a little something, so that you can get some sleep? You can drift off and let ol’ Jack take care of everything. I promise I’m not going anywhere, and you’ll be safe’.

Mac’s head is back on Jack’s chest, but he croaks out a quiet ‘ok’.

Dr Reeves is there within seconds, quietly and calmly explaining to Mac what he is doing. Mac doesn’t really respond, just continues to lean into Jack’s hold. Jack slowly starts to run his fingers through Mac’s hair, and he can feel Mac’s breathing even out as the sedative takes effect. 10 minutes after saying ‘ok’, Mac is floppy in Jack’s arms.

Jack gently lifts Mac up onto the gurney the EMT’s provide. They start to get him comfortable and Jack quickly snatches up the stack of paper and paperclip models Mac left behind, before escorting his sleeping, hurting kid out the house.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Remember, you are never alone. If you ever need it, please reach out. Wikipedia has a great list of help that can be found in your country if you're in crisis. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_suicide_crisis_lines
> 
> “You will one day experience joy that matches this pain. You will cry euphoric tears at the Beach Boys, you will stare down at a baby’s face as she lies asleep in your lap, you will make great friends, you will eat delicious foods you haven’t tried yet, you will be able to look at a view from a high place and not assess the likelihood of dying from falling. There are books you haven’t read yet that will enrich you, films you will watch while eating extra-large buckets of popcorn, and you will dance and laugh and have sex and go for runs by the river and have late-night conversations and laugh until it hurts. Life is waiting for you. You might be stuck here for a while, but the world isn’t going anywhere. Hang on in there if you can. Life is always worth it.”  
> ― Matt Haig, Reasons to Stay Alive


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jack stopped Mac, the saving starts now....

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shockingly managing to keep to a posting schedule at the moment, hopefully it will continue to be once a week on a Saturday.
> 
> Thank you so much for the comments so far, it means a lot.
> 
> Shout out to my beta @teamimprov

Phoenix Medical is quiet when they arrive, not their usual high paced, chaotic entrance. Riley and Matty are waiting for them but Dr Reeves just looks at them apologetically and keeps pace with the gurney transporting Mac. 

Jack slows down, heartbreak like Riley has never seen before clearly written on his face. 

‘You got there in time, Jack’. Matty reminds him. ‘You did a good job’. 

‘It doesn't feel that way’.

Jack can’t keep his eyes off the door that Mac disappeared behind. His hand hesitates at his side and then he reaches for the gun tucked away in the waistband of his jeans.

Matty looks down as Jack hands her the gun. Riley looks confused for a moment before everything slots into place. 

‘Is that...Was he..?’ 

She can’t get her words out. She knows that’s one of Jack’s backups; the one he leaves at Mac’s house. Fresh tears leave mascara tracks down her cheeks. She wonders how they could let it get this bad. Mac didn’t even like to touch guns, let alone...

‘Yes’. Jack felt like he was going to choke on the words. ‘I need to be in there with him’.

‘Go,’ Matty says and he leaves them standing in the corridor. 

When Jack enters the treatment room, he can see Mac is still feeling the effects of the sedation. His cloudy eyes scanning the room, unseeing. Hannah and Ben, probably Mac’s favourite nurses, are gently manoeuvring him out of his clothes and into a gown. Mac’s like a ragdoll, the fight they would normally see from him non-existent. Jack hovers as they replace all of the monitoring equipment Mac removed before he went AWOL.

‘J…Jack’. Mac’s head flops sluggishly on the pillow, his blue eyes dull.

‘Hey, I’m right here buddy’, Jack takes Mac’s hand in his own. ‘I promised remember. I’m not going anywhere. You’re too important. I’m not leaving you’.

Silent tears slide down Mac’s face and he can’t bring himself to look Jack in the eye.

‘Mac, I know that you are probably really tired now and would like to go back to sleep but I need to discuss something with you first’. Dr Reeves knows that he needs to keep things simple and quick – time for long explanations later.

‘You’re showing signs of malnutrition. The blood results from earlier, your current heart rate, the weight loss. I’m guessing you haven’t been eating for a while. Does that sound about right?’

There’s a pause and then Mac nods slowly.

‘So, the safest way to treat you at the moment is to put in a NG tube. This will allow us to deliver nutrients directly into your stomach and should help you feel a bit better’.

Mac’s face is blank, seemingly uninterested. Not even the subject of the NG tube gets a reaction, something a healthy Mac would have vehemently refused before Dr Reeves had finished mentioning it.

‘What do you think Mac?’

_I don’t know what to think. I don’t want to have to make any decisions. I don’t care, can’t they see that? Part of me wishes they had just left me at the house, but Jack…. He looked like he was in so much pain. Can’t he see that’s why I was trying to protect him and go? I can see the same tension in his body now, I can’t bear to look into his eyes. All I’ll see is the pain I’ve caused him. God, why did they bring me here? To the one place where I’ve caused everyone so much pain. Their pain is eating me up inside. I’m rotten on the inside. They can’t fix that. And Jack – why is he still here? He’s not really here for me, it’s his job to keep me alive after all._

Mac is pulled from his thoughts by Jack’s soft voice.

‘I bet at the moment your big ol’ brain is exhausted from all this thinking you’ve been doing, and I want you to know Mac… How you are feeling now, it won’t last forever. I promise you. It might be hard for a bit, but this is temporary. I’ll be here for as long as you want me here. Not because it’s my job, we passed that point a long time ago but because you’re like a son to me. I _choose_ to be here Hoss, with you, because you’re important. I want you to remember that, even when your head is telling you something else.

And I want you to stay here, by my side, so we can have Bruce Willis marathons and you can pull apart my phone whenever you want. We don’t have to do that at the Phoenix either. We could retire, run off to Texas, buy that Ranch we always talked about. But the hard bit comes first. I’m not gonna lie to you. It will probably be scary, but you only have to take one thing at a time. The first is food. Get your body’s engine fixed. How does that sound?’

‘Ok’. It’s not much but to Jack it’s the best thing he could hear right now.

‘Good job, Hoss. Want me to stay?’

‘Please’, Mac replies sounding more vulnerable that Jack’s ever heard before.

Jack just squeezes his hand in reassurance. They have a long way to go, and he’s sure the road will be rocky as hell, but Jack makes a silent promise in that moment that he will stand by Mac’s side through it all. He’ll find wherever Mac is, hidden away in the darkness of his mind, and pull him back to safety. Mac needs him, now more than ever, and Jack refuses to let anything come between them again.

**MacJackMacJackMacJackMacJackMacJack**

In no time at all, the NG tube is in, securely taped to Mac’s face and attached to the feed pump. Mac is asleep, exhausted. Jack knows he isn’t likely to wake for several hours, so he pops out the room to locate Riley and Matty.

He finds them in the lounge down the corridor, nursing cups of cold coffee. Riley is the first one to see Jack enter and rises to envelope him in a big hug. Jack kisses her forehead and holds her tight. After a minute, they pull away and sit down together on the sofa.

‘He’s sleeping’, Jack says, as an explanation of his presence.

‘How’s he doing?’

‘Not good’, Jack starts, trying to find the energy to explain it all. ‘Mac is malnourished. Dr Reeves said based on his test results he hasn’t been eating for weeks. They’ve put in a tube to feed him and they’re keeping an eye on his heartrate, something to do with his low weight. I don’t really understand it all but it’s lower than it should be. That’s all the physical stuff but I’m more worried about what’s going on in his head. He had a gun Matty. He was sat on the deck with a _gun_ in his hands. There were letters. I think if I’d been even a minute later…’ Jack stops, trying and failing to keep his voice from breaking. ‘I…think he would have done it’.

There’s silence in the room.

‘And now, it’s like the old Mac is lost. I would have given anything for him to lie and tell me he’s fine, at least I would have known he was still in there, but there was nothing. God, not even a face about having the tube put in. Physically, he’s right there in that room but mentally, it’s like what made Mac, Mac, is gone, ya know?’

Matty nods and Riley squeezes his hand.

‘What about you Jack? I know you’re not ok, none of us are, but if you wanted to shower, change, we can sit with Mac for a bit’.

‘No Matty. I can’t leave him. I’ve only popped out to see you and give you an update. I’m gonna go back and sit with him in a minute. I can’t leave him alone right now’.

Matty knows there’s no point in arguing.

‘Well, do you want someone to go to your apartment? Get you some things?’

‘I can go’, Riley says. ‘I need to do something to help. I can’t just sit here’.

‘Thanks darlin’. Anybody spoken to Bozer yet?’

‘No. I don’t want him to be distracted whilst he’s out supporting another team. As soon as they’re back I’ll tell him. Speaking of which’, Matty gets up. ‘I need to go and see what’s happening. Keep me updated’.

‘Will do boss lady’, Jack replies, standing at the same time Riley does.

‘I’ll text you when I’m back with your stuff’, says Riley as they hug quickly.

‘Thanks hun, you know where I’ll be’.

Jack goes back down the corridor to Mac’s room as Riley heads out.

Unsurprisingly Mac is still asleep when he returns. Jack pulls another blanket over Mac, he can see him shivering in his sleep, then quietly slides the recliner next to the bed. As he’s trying to get comfortable, Jack remembers the paperclip sculptures and papers that are still in his back pockets. He pulls them out and lays them in his lap. There are four sculptures and four letters.

_One for each of us. Bozer, Matty, Riley and me. Oh Mac…_

Jack just sits there staring at them for a while.

_I can’t open them. They’re too private and I’m not sure I can cope with any more pain right now. I’ll wait. I’ll give them back to Mac. It’ll be his choice to decide what to do with them. Give him some control._

Hannah steps in, whilst Jack is thinking, to change out the feed bag and do Mac’s obs.

‘He doing ok?’

‘Yep, as expected. Do you want me to grab you a blanket? Pillow? I know I won’t persuade you to leave that chair’. Hannah’s known Mac and Jack long enough.

‘Got that right. Yes please. Plus, you got somewhere private I can put these?’, Jack motions to his lap where the letters and sculptures lay.

‘I can put them in the safe. That alright?’

‘That’ll work just fine and they’re for nobody’s eyes except Mac’s, ok?’

‘Got it’. Hannah lifts the precious bundle out of Jack’s lap and returns five minutes later with a blanket and pillow. Jack is already snoring softly.

**MacJackMacJackMacJackMacJackMacJack**

Mac wakes with a start. He can’t remember where he is, but he knows that this isn’t his bed. He looks across to see Jack still sleeping in a recliner by the bed and remembers he’s in Medical. He puts his hand up to scrub his face and it all comes back to him: collapsing, sneaking out of Medical, the gun, Jack finding him, coming back to Medical. His hand brushes over his cheek and he feels a tube stuck to his face.

_Oh, the NG tube._

Mac’s fingers continue exploring, finding not only the NG tube but a nasal cannula as well. He’s pretty sure that wasn’t there yesterday. Just as he thinks he’ll remove it, Dr Reeves appears.

‘Morning Mac’, he whispers, clocking Jack is still asleep. ‘I see you’ve noticed the nasal cannula. Your oxygen sats dropped during the night so we’ve added a bit of supplemental oxygen. As you start to put on some weight and your heart gets stronger, you won’t need it. I know it’s probably irritating having it with the NG tube as well, but we’ll get rid of it as soon as we can. How are you feeling this morning?’

Mac honestly doesn’t know. His body still doesn’t feel like his own. He shrugs.

‘That’s ok. There’s a lot going on for you right now. I’ve got a colleague I’d like you to meet a bit later but first I’ll get Ben to pop in, take your vitals, help you freshen up maybe. Sound like a plan?’

Mac hesitates and then nods.

_I don’t want to meet ‘his colleague’. That’s bound to be someone who wants to talk about what’s going on in my head. No. That’s definitely not happening._

Ben arrives a few minutes later, carrying another bag of feed, a washbag and a fresh gown.

‘Morning Mac. I’m guessing you might want to head to the bathroom. Let me get you disconnected, and I’ll give you a hand’. Ben proceeds to unclip the leads from Mac’s chest, cap off his IV and NG tube and removes the nasal cannula. ‘Ok, take it slow. You might feel a bit unsteady on your feet’.

Mac scoots his legs over the side of the bed and pushes himself up, trying to ignore a hovering Ben. He can feel his legs shaking with the effort and when he goes to take a step forward, he almost lands in a heap on the cold floor. Thankfully Ben is there to catch him.

‘Woah there buddy’. Mac feels Jack’s arm snake around his waist. He unconsciously leans into the touch. ‘I think maybe I ought to help you out there. You don’t look too steady’.

Ben steps back and allows Jack to help him. Jack manages to deposit Mac on the plastic chair in the bathroom before saying anything else.

‘So, how do you want to do this Hoss? I think you might need a hand to stand. Maybe a cloth wash and a shave? Get that peach fuzz you call facial hair under control?’

‘Yeah, ok’.

Jack is pleased he’s managed to get Mac to speak to him; he’ll take the win.

‘I know what you want to do first, if you’re anything like me, and we’ve done this dance before, so let’s get to it’.

Jack helps Mac stand, undoing his gown and letting it fall to the floor. He holds Mac, eyes adverted, as Mac takes care of business. Once it’s done, Jack gently lowers Mac back into the chair and covers him with a towel. Mac sits in silence, eyes closed as Jack gently washes and shaves him.

‘Mac, buddy, you gone to sleep? I know I have magic relaxing hands, but I think you might feel better in bed so open those eyes’.

Mac opens his eyes lazily, realising Jack has already dressed him in a clean gown. He stands and makes his way back towards the bed, gripping tightly onto Jack. Halfway to the bed he stops.

‘You ok?’

‘Gonna be sick’, Mac gets out before he vomits all over the floor. Jack grabs him round the waist but can’t do much to steady Mac and they both end up on the ground, Mac’s back leaning on Jack’s chest. It’s only when Mac finishes that Jack sees the NG tube is now hanging out of his mouth. Mac’s emotions get the better of him and he starts to cry.

‘I can’t do this! I don’t _want_ to do this! What’s the point? I’m not worth it. Please Jack, just leave me alone. Look at me. I can’t deal with the pain. I can’t even get to the toilet by myself. I can’t eat. You didn’t sign up for this and I don’t want it’.

Mac grabs hold of his NG tube and pulls. He gasps at the pain but continues to pull until the tube is completely out, ripping the tape off his cheek. The IV is next to be ripped out, blood leaking down his arm and mixing with the vomit on the floor.

Jack is so shocked that Mac is actually talking, it takes him a moment to realise what’s happening. As Mac starts clawing at his chest, Jack catches his arms easily. He can feel the kids racing pulse in his thin wrists. Mac’s lost so much weight it feels like if Jack isn’t careful, he could easily snap the kid’s fragile bones. He loosens his grip just in case and gently pulls Mac towards him. Jack can feel the rapid breaths sawing through his best friend. He lets go of his wrists and wraps his arms protectively around his shaking kid. Mac’s so young, going through so much more than anyone should in less than thirty years. Jack wishes he could take away all the pain. Being this close, he can almost feel it, like physical waves of suffering crashing over them. There’s nothing Jack can do but hold tight and try to ride it out with him.

Dr Reeves, Ben and another man appear in the doorway. Jack wonders what’s taken them so long. It feels like it’s been hours since Mac vomited all over the floor but in reality, it’s been a few minutes at most. Dr Reeves edges closer to the agents on the floor and crouches down in front of them.

‘Mac, I’ve got something here that will help you calm down, will you take it for me?’ He holds out a small paper cup. He knows this might take time and so he waits patiently. Importantly, he’s trying to give Mac back some control.

It takes Mac five minutes before he starts to react. Jack loosens his grip as Mac reaches out and takes the cup. He dry swallows the pill and then leans his head back on Jack’s chest.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As ever, please leave a comment if you want to/have the time. Plus, shout if there is anywhere you particularly want to see this go.... I'm still writing!


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mac's struggling, Jack & Dr Reeves try to make a plan.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Merry Christmas to all those who celebrate. Hope you had a great day wherever you are. 
> 
> Two normal notes - heed the warnings please and thanks to my beta @teamimprov.

Mac sleeps the rest of the day away, exhaustion following the morning’s events. Jack sits vigil, only leaving to catch up with Dr Reeves.

‘So, Jack, how are you coping?’ Dr Reeves asks once they are settled in his office.

‘I’m fine. I think. Just struggling with how to help Mac. I’ve never seen him like this’, Jack replies honestly.

‘I don’t think anybody has seen Mac like this. I think this is probably a culmination of some huge life events and he isn’t sure how to process them’.

‘So, what’s the plan doc? How do we help?’

‘Well, firstly let’s talk physical health. Vomiting is a common side effect of refeeding via tube, so I’m not surprised that happened this morning. We’ll adjust it so that Mac is fed more slowly, that should help. We’ll also keep up the supplemental oxygen until his heart’s a bit stronger. These are only maintenance treatments though. They will only permanently get better when Mac’s mental health is addressed’.

There is a knock at the door.

‘Come in. Ahh, perfect timing. Agent Jack Dalton, this is Dr Caleb Thomas. He’s the clinical psychologist I’ve asked to join Mac’s treatment team’.

A man about Jacks’ height enters the room. He’s of athletic build, with short ginger hair. Jack recognises him as the man who joined Dr Reeves and Ben in Mac’s doorway earlier. He also spies a tattoo under the doctor’s watch.

_Army. Bet he knows how to handle himself._

He shakes Jack’s hand.

‘Nice to meet you Jack. Please, call me Cal’.

‘Cal, ok then. So where did you serve?’ Jack asks casually.

Cal looks at him for a moment, a wry smile on his face.

‘All over. Tours in Afghanistan, Japan, Kuwait. I did a stint at Trippler in Hawaii before moving to support special operations’.

Jack nods his head. ‘Alright then’.

‘Now you’ve got Jack’s approval’, Dr Reeves continues, ‘I think we can move on. I’ve already given Cal a brief precis regarding Mac’s care. Cal’.

‘Yep. I’ve looked over the notes I received and I’m hoping I can sit down with you today, Jack. I’ll move meeting Mac until tomorrow, given what happened this morning. He needs to rest. Director Webber has given me full clearance, so you don’t have to edit what you tell me’.

‘Do you have any plan at all yet?’ Jack asks, trying to keep the desperation out his voice.

‘Well, I think we’d all agree that getting Mac eating and drinking again should be our first step. Once he’s physically improved, he’ll have more energy to undertake therapy. I’d like to talk to Mac, but I think, from the notes, it’s likely he has severe depression. This would explain the weight loss, suicidal thoughts and the recent interrupted attempt. It may also have affected his mood, sleep, social interactions, concentration, motivation. Initially depression is treated with a combination of medication, such as antidepressants, and psychological therapies – you might know them as talking therapies.

However, antidepressants can take up to six weeks to reach therapeutic levels in the body. With severe cases, like Mac’s, where it is life threatening, we would advise starting electroconvulsive therapy or ECT’.

‘Woah slow down now. Mac does not need some ‘One flew over the cuckoo’s nest’ zap to the head. He’s not crazy or anything and I’m not gonna let you near him if you plan on putting him through something dangerous or risky’.

‘Jack, calm down. Mental health treatment has moved on a long way since that film’, Dr Reeves interjects. ‘I think if you would let Cal explain, you’ll find ECT would be beneficial for Mac’.

Jack eyeballs Dr Reeves and then relents, waving his hand for Cal to continue.

‘Dr Reeves is right. Firstly, Mac would be given a general anaesthetic and a muscle relaxant, so he wouldn’t experience any pain. The actual treatment only lasts a few minutes. A small electrical current is passed across the head in order to induce a seizure. This causes the release of certain brain chemicals and changes how parts of the brain that deal with emotions interact with each other. Usually, a patient would have ECT three times a week and the average number of sessions is 12. It really depends on the patient as to how effective it is, but we would hope it allows Mac to start eating properly again and lift some of his other symptoms. It’s the most effective treatment for severe depression at the moment. We’re not trying to do anything to harm Mac or make him more distressed. ECT would hopefully have the opposite effect’.

‘That doesn’t sound so bad, now you’ve explained it. I guess it’s just hard to think that Mac would ever need that sort of treatment’, Jack admits.

‘I can understand that. ECT sounds scary and it is right at the end of the line in terms of intensive treatment options, but I honestly wouldn’t be suggesting it if I didn’t think it would help. I will discuss all of this tomorrow with Mac and we’ll see what he says’. Cal leans back in his chair. ‘Anything else you want to ask me?’

‘I don’t think so’, Jack replies.

‘Well, you can always find me if something comes up’.

‘Thanks. I’m gonna go back and sit with Mac. I guess you’ll find me later when you want to talk?’

Cal nods and Jack rises wearily from his chair, leaving the two doctors to it.

Mac seems to be sleeping peacefully on his return, something he doesn’t see very often. Jack thinks the pill he was given earlier probably has something to do with it. Mac has had his NG tube and IV replaced, a bandage on his arm the only physical evidence of his emotional deluge earlier.

Jack’s heart weighs heavy. He can’t forget the anguish in Mac’s voice. The way he pleaded for Jack to let him go. It’s a request Jack could never agree to. He can only hope that Mac consents to Cal’s treatment plan tomorrow.

**MacJackMacJackMacJackMacJackMacJack**

_I don’t want to do this. Bare my soul in front of some stranger. Of course, I don’t want to do it in front of Jack either. Maybe I should have asked him to stay though…. I guess he’s just down the hall if I need him._

_I’ll just tell this guy everything is fine. Then he’ll have to leave me alone, especially if I don’t talk to him. I’ll start to feel better and I’ll go home. Forget this even happened._

There’s a knock at the door, which pulls Mac back into the room.

‘Hi, Agent MacGyver? I’m Dr Thomas. I was hoping I could come in and speak with you’.

There’s a pause and then Mac slowly nods his head.

‘Thanks’. Cal enters the room and sits down in a chair close to the bed. He can see that Mac is looking calmer than when he saw him yesterday. He’s sat up in bed, a book and some paperclips twisted into harsh, indiscernible patterns discarded on the tray table. He’s nervous; Cal can see his hands fidgeting with the sheets constantly.

‘As I said, I’m Dr Thomas but everybody calls me Cal. I understand you prefer to be called Mac’.

Mac nods his head again, looking anywhere except Cal.

‘I’m hoping we can talk a bit about how you’re feeling at the moment’.

‘I’m fine’.

‘Ok, but you know it’s ok to not be fine Mac. It seems as though maybe you are finding things difficult and that’s alright. How about we start with you telling me about what happened yesterday morning’.

_How does he know about that? I don’t want to talk about that. I was weak. I let my emotions get the better of me. They don’t need to know about that._

Cal can see Mac’s heartrate start to pick up on the monitor. His breathing shallow with a faraway look in his eyes. Cal slowly leans forward and puts his hand on the bed, just lightly brushing Mac’s leg, not wanting to startle him.

‘We don’t have to talk about that right now. I can see it’s making you upset. Take some steady deep breaths’.

‘I’m fine’, Mac says, frustrated the monitor gives away so clearly how he’s feeling. ‘I was just run down and had a lot going on. I’m fine now. I just want to go home and go back to work’.

‘I can understand that. I don’t think anybody particularly enjoys being in the hospital and you have quite an active job. I imagine it’s difficult when you have too much down time’.

‘Yeah, I guess so’.

‘What led up to your admission to Medical?’

Mac hesitates and Cal can read the reason in his face.

‘Director Webber has given me full clearance’.

‘Look, I don’t mean any offence, but I don’t really want to do this. There is _nothing_ to talk about. I’ll be stronger in a few days and then I’ll go home, and life will carry on’.

_Without me. I just want to go home and sit on the deck. Look at the view one last time. I just need to get well enough that they’ll discharge me. Then I can slip away. I wish Jack hadn’t found me the first time. I can’t bear seeing the hurt in his eyes again. He’ll be all momma bear with me. God, none of them are going to leave me alone. I failed again. That’s all I ever seem to do now._

‘Mac, did you hear what I said? Mac?’

Mac lifts his head realising that Cal has been talking to him. He also realises, horrifyingly, that he is crying.

_Arghhh, why can’t I get it together? He’s not gonna let it go now._

‘Mac? You’re right, you will be stronger physically in a few days, once your nutrition is more balanced. But what about the reason you weren’t eating in the first place? I have to be honest and say that it won’t go away by itself, we have to treat it, or it will just come back, and you’ll end up here again. I imagine that right now you don’t want to feel like this, but you would end up feeling like this again if we don’t do anything’.

‘You don’t know me!’ Mac scoffed. ‘You don’t know anything about me. What I’ve had to do, or what I’ve seen…. The people I’ve hurt’.

Cal nodded. ‘You’re right. So, talk to me. Tell me about it. I’ve worked with Army Special Operations. I’ve heard a lot, I’m not sure much will shock me now’.

‘Oh really?’ There is a hint of defiance in Mac’s voice. Just what Cal was hoping for. ‘Where do I start?’

‘Let’s start at the beginning and see where we go from there’. Cal mentally notes the suspicion that plays across Mac’s face. The young agent sighs, eyes shifting from the blanket to the window. Cal simply waits for him to start. He won’t push his patient, not yet.

‘My mum died when I was five, Cancer. My dad left the day I turned 10. Didn’t say goodbye, just went. After that I lived with my grandfather, then Bozer’s family. I went to MIT for a bit but dropped out because I didn’t feel like I was doing anything to make a difference. I enlisted and became an EOD technician. That’s when I met Jack’. Mac paused just a moment, eyes flicking towards the empty recliner. Cal made a note.

‘Jack was my overwatch, kept me safe. When we came home, we started working for DXS. My girlfriend Nicky and I got shot, she was killed, and I almost died, but she turned out to be alive and a double agent. She wasn’t a traitor, though, she was just deep undercover. Our boss, Thornton, ended up being a traitor. I met an assassin called Murdoc on a case. He threatened everyone I love and now it’s like he’s developed some kind of obsessive fascination with me. He kidnapped and drugged me’.

Mac takes a deep breath.

_I’ve started now. I’m going to have to finish. He can see how fucked up my life really is._

‘Luckily, I was able to get away. I decided to start looking for my dad. Wrote him letters, they came back unopened. Long story short, turned out my dad was oversight at Phoenix. Planning my whole life out for me, but not bothering to get in touch with his son. He knew I was looking…. After I found out, we had a rocky relationship for a long time. That’s when Mason showed up. He killed Charlie right in front of me because he said it would haunt me for the rest of my life and that my suffering would hurt my father. My dad, he uh, let Mason’s son die in my place…I don’t know when, but it was because of me. Alfred Pena died in my place in Afghanistan and I couldn’t save Zoe’.

Mac takes another deep breath, knowing if he stops now, he’ll never get through it.

‘And then there’s Codex. Big terrible criminal enterprise wanting to kill half the world’s population to save the planet. Turns out my mum didn’t die from cancer; she was murdered because it was her idea, and they were trying to stop it. My aunt tried to recruit me, and my father sacrificed his life for me. I had to leave him to die because I couldn’t make a remote detonator work.

I figured out that to stop them, I had to do it from the inside, make it look like I’d turned against my team and joined Codex. I convinced my aunt that there was another way, and she was going to stop them with me, but then she sacrificed herself for me too. It’s like no matter what I do, no matter how hard I try to fix things, I just keep breaking them and other people suffer’. Mac feels his voice crack. He hasn’t spoken so much for days. ‘Now I’m all alone… and just so tired all the time’.

Mac dissolves into tears as he finishes speaking. All the emotion he was trying to keep bottled up, smashing through the glass, on show for Cal to see. Then he realises something.

_I don’t care anymore. I don’t care if he sees me at my lowest point. I can’t keep the walls up anymore. I’m exhausted. Can’t they see that. I can’t do this anymore._

‘Yes, Mac, I can see you’re exhausted and after what you just told me, I’m not surprised’.

Mac looks up, not realising he spoke his thoughts out loud. He can feel the tears and snot running down his face and he doesn’t care.

‘No-one expects you to keep your walls up all the time. In fact, letting them down occasionally helps you process the information, work through it, grieve, get angry, be sad, remember the good times. Holding up walls, protecting other people, it IS exhausting. People don’t realise how exhausting emotions are.

I know you’re exhausted, and everything hurts right now but I promise you, it won’t always feel like this. It can get better and if you’ll let me help you, I will. I won’t pretend it won’t be painful sometimes, it will, but it will be worth it in the end. Plus, I’ve met your team and I’ve seen how much they love and care about you’. Cal gets up and grabs some tissues for Mac.

‘I’m a failure. I should be able to manage this myself. I’m weak. They won’t want to help me, they’re just gonna get hurt because of me’, Mac gets out between sobs. Cal lays his hand gently on Mac’s shoulder.

‘Look at me Mac’, he waits until Mac eventually looks up. ‘I want you to really listen. None of the tragedies you told me about are your fault. You did not hurt anybody. The weight of the world does not always rest on your shoulders. You have saved so many people in your lifetime, Mac, way more than most. You use your intellect and your skills to help people every day and I’m sure all of those people you talked about would be so proud of you. I won’t sugar coat it; you have experienced a lot of grief and tragedy in your life, but none of it was your fault'. 

'The most courageous person is the one who knows when to ask for help. Of course, your team want to help you. Why do you think Jack’s been holding vigil at your bedside? Or held you in his arms yesterday? It’s because he cares Mac. And I know that Riley and Bozer and Matty care too. They want to help you carry the weight of the burden you’ve been feeling. The bravest thing you can do right now is to let them'.

'Do you want me to get Jack?’

Mac nods his head. He can’t speak anymore. Cal goes to the door, pokes his head out and then returns to Mac’s bedside. Less than two minutes later Mac can hear Jack thundering down the hallway. Suddenly, he’s next to the bed.

‘Hey hoss’. Those two words are all it takes for Mac to realise Jack does care and just when he thinks he must have run out of tears; he starts crying again.

‘Oh Mac, buddy. Come here’. Jack slides onto the bed, sits behind Mac and cradles him in his arms. Mac curls into the comfort. ‘It’ll be alright, you’ll be alright’, Jack murmurs as he gently slides his fingers through Mac’s hair.

Mac’s asleep on Jack in a matter of moments. Cal stands to retrieve a blanket and covers them both with it.

‘I know it probably doesn’t look like it, but this is progress. I’ll be back later. He admitted he’s exhausted, and we know he is. Let him sleep’.

‘Will do, I’m not going anywhere’.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My favourite line in this chapter: The most courageous person is the one who knows when to ask for help. 
> 
> It doesn't make you weak, reach out if you need it xxx


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mac realises how sick he really is.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for all the lovely comments so far. It really encourages me to continue writing!
> 
> Shout out to @teamimprov my beta.
> 
> This was a fun chapter to write, hope you enjoy.

Mac sleeps solidly for six hours. Jack cradling him the whole time, thankful when Ben or Hannah appear occasionally with coffee or food.

‘That’s the one advantage of this here tube Hoss’, he says, looking down at Mac’s sleeping form. ‘You don’t have to wake up to eat. I think that might be quite helpful sometimes’.

Mac murmurs something and turns his head towards Jack’s voice.

‘You awake Mac? I know I’m comfy, but I think my leg might have gone to sleep’.

‘Bathroom’ Mac mutters. ‘Can you help?’ he finishes, like a small child.

Jack’s heart soars at that one question from Mac.

‘Of course. Come on, up and at ‘em’.

A wobbly trip to the bathroom takes longer than planned but Mac is happy to see Hannah’s changed his linen whilst he’s been gone. Jack gets Mac settled and then opts for sitting in the recliner near the bed.

‘Do you want do something? We could watch a game or one of those documentaries you like so much’.

There’s a pause and Jack can almost see the cogs whirring in Mac’s brain.

‘I think…. I want to speak to Cal’. This is not what Jack is expecting and he tries to keep his pokerface on. ‘But I want you to stay this time’.

‘You sure? I’m ok with leaving if you’d rather’.

‘No. Please stay’.

‘Ok, well let’s get him in here then’. Jack presses the call bell on Mac’s bed and Hannah reappears.

‘And how might I help my two favourite agents?’ Hannah grins. She’s been trying to keep the atmosphere light and Jack is grateful.

‘Can you see if Dr Thomas, Cal, is free?’

‘Yeah of course. I’ll contact him now’.

They sit in silence. Jack, for one, is lost for words. He doesn’t want to rock the boat now that Mac finally looks like he’s ready to reach out. For his part, Mac sits on the bed fiddling with the edge of his blanket, preparing himself for the conversation to come.

Cal doesn’t take long to arrive, sensing the need to grab the moment before Mac pulls it away again.

‘Hey Mac, Hannah said you wanted to see me’.

Mac nods and continues fiddling with his blanket.

_I’m not sure I can do this. Maybe this was a bad plan. I could always tell him to go. No, then I’ll have failed again. I can’t bear to let Jack see me fail again. Come on, Mac._

‘How are you feeling? Did you manage to sleep for a bit?’

‘Yeah’.

Cal can tell there is more Mac wants to say, so he sits quietly, waiting.

‘I don’t really know how to start. I…. I think….Oh. I can’t do this!’ Mac says frustratedly as he starts to pick at the tape holding his IV. Jack gently leans across and puts his hand over Mac’s, a silent reassurance. Mac stops picking.

‘It’s ok’, Cal starts. ‘Sometimes it’s difficult to find the words when so much is going on. I have a question for you. It might help you start’.

Cal waits until Mac nods before continuing.

‘Do you want us to help you feel better? Maybe help you when it all gets too much? Be your support?’

‘I don’t know’, Mac sighs, ‘but I think part of me does’.

‘That’s good. We can work with that. I know it’s difficult but for me to treat you effectively I need to know a bit about what’s going on in your head. Can you tell me how you’re feeling right now?’

Mac takes a deep breath and Jack squeezes his hand gently.

‘I feel…. numb, like my body isn’t my own. It’s hard to explain. I feel exhausted, all the time. I’m not interested in eating. I don’t care about anything. I just…. I just want to forget everything’. Mac tails off, embarrassed to share so much.

‘Thank you. I know it’s hard to say some of this out loud. It makes it real and that’s scary in itself. Do you think you could tell me about why you were admitted to Medical?’

Mac shakes his head. ‘I don’t think I can’.

‘Ok. That’s ok. I do have to ask though. Are you feeling suicidal now?’

Tears start to well in Mac’s eyes as he contemplates the question before he nods. He just can’t say it out loud.

_I’m such a failure. I shouldn’t feel like this. It’s so embarrassing. No-one will trust me anymore. God, I wish Jack didn’t have to hear this._

Cal nods. ‘I can’t imagine how incredibly painful this is for you Mac, but I would like to try and understand. We don’t have to talk about it right now, but I need you to know that we are all here when you are ready. It’s also my duty to tell you that we are here to keep you safe and therefore the nurses might be more present than you are normally used to. When you’re feeling more able, we can sit down and make a safety plan together; look at what might help keep you safe and what doesn’t’.

He pauses to let that sink in before continuing.

‘From everything you’ve told me and having read your notes, my impression is that you are suffering with severe depression. We usually treat it with antidepressant medication and talking therapies. Sometimes we also use ECT, electroconvulsive therapy’.

Cal goes on to explain to Mac the different options. Mac sits in silence, trying to concentrate on what he’s hearing. Jack’s fingers gently rub circles over the back of his hand.

_I suppose I’m all in now. I’ve admitted I don’t want to be here. They’ll be checking on me constantly, like I’m a child. No escape. Part of me is terrified about ECT. I can’t be that ill. I don’t know how Jack isn’t freaking out. Maybe it might work? At least I might get rid of this damn tube, be able to go home._

‘What do you think Jack?’ Mac asks. His brain feels so slow and he trusts Jack to give him the truth.

‘I’ve got to be honest Hoss, when Cal suggested ECT, I _may_ have got a bit defensive. I mean, it sounds a bit extreme. But. These guys’, Jack waves his hand in Cal’s direction, ‘we’ve never been their biggest fans, yet we’re still here, probably because of them. They always try and make us better, even when we’re being stubborn.

I don’t want to believe that you are sick enough to need ECT because that’s a bit scary but look at you buddy. You’ve got a tube feeding you because you haven’t been eating. I don’t want to lose you Mac. That’s the truth. If Cal thinks this is what you should do…. Then I think you go for it. It might be selfish, but I’d do anything to keep you in this world, bud’. Jack finishes, choking on the last few words. His tear laden eyes mirroring Mac’s as he looks up at him. Mac squeezes his hand and turns towards Cal.

‘I’ll do it’.

Cal nods. ‘I’ll get it organised. It will probably be the day after tomorrow. We’ll need to run a few physical checks first. I’ll speak to Dr Reeves about that. I’ll also get your antidepressant script organised so you can start taking it ASAP. For now, is there anything else you need or want to ask?’

‘When can I go home?’ Mac asks, embarrassed. He knows it will probably be a while, but he just can’t help asking.

‘Well, realistically I know Dr Reeves has indicated your NG tube will need to be in for another 6-7 days at least, depending on how things go. From my perspective it’s difficult to give you a precise timeline. We’ll get ECT started and we’ll aim for three sessions a week. Everybody responds differently but I would want you to be eating and drinking independently and your suicidal thoughts to have dropped significantly before you go home. At the moment Mac, you are unwell enough that if you weren’t co-operating, I could put you on 5150 hold, but thankfully that’s not the case’, Cal smiles. ‘I think you should expect to be here for another 2 to 3 weeks. We can…’

Mac’s stomach drops and he stops listening.

_What?! 2 to 3 weeks? I don’t think I’ve ever had to stay in Medical that long. Not conscious anyway. I’m not sure I can do this. I can’t be stuck here that long and if I try to go now, they’ll put me on a 72-hour hold. But. I. Can’t. Do. This. This isn’t me. I can’t sit around doing nothing. It’ll make things worse. I need to go home. I’m going home._

Mac stops thinking and starts acting but Jack is ready for him. He’s been watching the way Mac’s eyes glazed over once Cal said how long he would be in Medical. The way his heart rate starts to pick up, Jack’s eyes flicking to the monitor.

‘Mac?’ Jack tries to get his attention. It’s like Mac’s not present, just a statue. Then all of a sudden, he isn’t. Mac throws the blankets back in one fluid motion and swings his legs over the side of the bed.

‘Hey, woah buddy. Where you going?’ Jack asks as he steps forward into Mac’s path. Mac doesn’t answer, just starts fiddling with his IV cannula. Jack puts his hands out to stop him, soothe him like he did earlier. Mac’s not having it. He swipes at Jack’s hands, pushing them away and successfully pulls out his second IV in as many days.

‘Mac, talk to me’.

‘I’m going home. I can’t stay here. Not that long. It’ll just make things worse. I need to go home’. Mac rambles, arms gesticulating wildly. Jack can see Mac is panicking, his chest heaving, wide eyes darting around the room.

Mac tried to make for the door, pulling up short as his NG tube is roughly tugged.

‘I know this is tough Hoss, but let’s just take one day at a time, yeah? Let me get you a bit of gauze for that arm, hmmm?’

‘NO! I’m going home. You can do it there if you want’.

Mac grabs hold of the NG and yanks it until it’s out; seemingly oblivious to the pain it must have caused. He pulls at the heart monitor leads with increasingly uncoordinated hands, before going to the door.

Cal is there, stood in the doorway, hands raised to seem less threatening.

‘Mac, I need you to listen to me. You’re having a panic attack. Can you concentrate on your breathing for me? Deep breaths, in and out’.

‘GET OUT THE WAY!’ Mac shouts, ignoring Cal. ‘I’M GOING HOME’.

‘I’m afraid I can’t let you go home just yet. Why don’t we sit down? Let you catch your breath’.

Mac can feel it’s getting harder and harder to breathe deeply.

_I’m not giving in though. I’m going home. If he would just get out the way I could go outside, get some fresh air. Breathe._

Mac goes to push past Cal, but Cal grabs hold of his wrists.

‘GET OFF ME!’

Mac tries to get free, using all of his training. He gets his wrists free, but it takes more energy than it should normally. As he tries to leave again, re-enforcements arrive to help Cal. Mac does his best to fight them off, but he is weak and suddenly he’s on the floor.

Jack watches on in shock, he can’t be the one that restrains his own kid. The nurses and Cal have Mac on the floor, pinned down on his back. Jack can see Mac’s eyes, the panic and fear showing through.

‘Jack! Jack! Help me! Get. Them. Off. Me!’ Mac continues to struggle against the hands that hold his limbs. He doesn’t have an inch of leeway.

_Why isn’t he helping me? He’s my overwatch. He always keeps me safe. He should be taking me home. Why is he just standing there? There are hands all over me. I need them off._

_Ow! What was that?_

Jack watches on as Cal injects what he can only assume is a sedative into Mac’s thigh. Another nurse comes in with a portable oxygen cylinder and mask and Jack knows he has to act. He kneels down at Mac’s head and starts carding his hands through the blonde’s hair.

‘The oxygen. Does it have to be a mask?’ Jack asks Cal. ‘You’ve seen his file, it won’t help’.

‘I know, but the sedative can depress breathing and his heart’s already working too hard’.

Jack nods, steeling himself for what’s to come.

‘Jack, help me! Get them off!’ Mac pleads, his voice sounding tired. He struggles ineffectually against the nurses.

‘Stop fighting Mac. Just breathe with me. Ignore them. Just listen to me. I’m gonna put this mask on to help you breathe’.

Mac is already shaking his head from side to side. ‘No, no, no, no’.

Jack slides it onto Mac’s face trying to ignore the look of desperation there, whilst he holds his head still.

‘I promise you Mac. This isn’t going to harm you. It’s oxygen. It’ll help your chest stop hurting. Just take some nice deep breaths’.

Jack can hear Mac’s continued protests under the mask but they’re getting weaker. The sedative is kicking in. Just like before on the deck, Jack keeps his fingers running through Mac’s hair; hopefully providing some reassurance. He can’t help but wonder how much damage this has done to his relationship with his kid. He just stood and watched as Mac was restrained. Ignored his pleas for help. He’s not sure he’ll ever forgive himself.

**MacJackMacJackMacJackMacJackMacJack**

Once Mac is unconscious, Jack moves out the way. He stands with his back against the wall, watching as they gently lift Mac into bed. Then it’s just Mac’s core team left to clear up the carnage. Dr Reeves inserts a new NG tube adding something extra to it. ‘A bridle’, he says when Jack asks. ‘Makes it more difficult to pull out’.

Ben replaces Mac’s IV, covering the site with a large tamper proof dressing, whilst Hannah reconnects the monitoring equipment. Jack, in the meantime, has slid to the floor, elbows on knees, head resting in his hands. He doesn’t look up again until he hears Dr Reeves and Cal discussing restraints. He wants to interrupt, protect his boy, alleviate anymore distress but he knows he’ll be overruled. Plus, a selfish part of him doesn’t want to witness a scene like that again, so if it keeps Mac safe….

He sighs.

‘I heard what happened’. He looks up to find Matty standing next to him. ‘Are you ok?’

‘No’, he huffs out, not even bothering to hide his emotions from her.

‘I don’t know how much more of this I can watch. I feel like my heart is breaking Matty. That’s my kid. The one I always promised to protect, and I’ve failed. He’s hurting and I can’t seem to fix it’. He stops to wipe away the tears as Cal comes over to join them.

‘I just stood there whilst they restrained him. He begged me to help and I didn’t. He’ll never forgive me. I’ll never forgive myself’.

‘Hey now Dalton, stop that! Everything you do, you do it because you love and care for Mac. He knows that. He’ll never forget that. And maybe, just maybe, this is a hiccup, but Mac will come to realise you did the right thing for him. You’ll help him get better, because he will get better. Now I think it’s about time you had some proper food and slept in your own bed, don’t you agree Dr Thomas?’

Cal looks at Jack and nods.

‘Mac is going to be sedated overnight at least, so you aren’t going to miss much. Come back in the morning. We’ve got him’.

‘No Matty, I can’t. I can’t leave him’.

‘Jack Dalton, this is not a request. You are no good if you end up in a bed next to Mac because you are exhausted. He needs you strong because whatever you may think, he will need you. So, let’s go. Dinner’s on me’.

Cal holds out his hand and Jack pulls himself up off the floor. He’s got no energy left to argue. He takes one last look at his kid and follows Matty out the door.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading and sticking with me!


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bozer is back, Mac's a bit grumpy but he does agree to start some treatment....

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for continuing on this journey with me. Usual notice - please heed the tags. I update them as I add new chapters.
> 
> Thanks @teamimprov, she speaks Jack so well when I just can't - I think being British is hindering me :)

Next morning Jack is summoned to the war room before he gets a chance to see Mac. The whole team is there.

‘Jack!’ Bozer exclaims, wrapping him in a big hug. ‘I’m sorry I haven’t been here’.

‘Don’t be sorry Boze, you were doing your job. Mac would want that’.

‘I don’t know if I know what he wants anymore. I feel like I’m losing my best friend’.

‘Hey now. That isn’t gonna happen. We just need to give him some time, help him get better’.

Jack puts a hand on Bozer’s shoulder and steers him over to an armchair.

Matty waits for them to sit and then begins.

‘I thought it might help if we all got an update together and an understanding of what’s happening going forward. Hence why Dr Thomas is here.

‘Is Mac ok? Did something happen last night?’

‘Nothing happened Jack. Just as I said, we kept Mac sedated overnight’, Cal reassures him. ‘Unfortunately, once the sedation began to wear off, he did get agitated. Understandably, given his history, he’s not a fan of the restraints we’ve put him in. I’m very much hoping this is short term though, but we need to avoid a repeat of what happened last night. I should also inform you that Mac is now legally on a 5150 hold for 72 hours’.

‘Wait, is it really that bad?’ Bozer asks, not really believing what he’s hearing.

‘Can they do that Matty?’ Riley pipes up.

‘Yes and yes’, Matty looks at her best team. All of them look exhausted and she knows they are suffering. ‘Believe me, I don’t want this for Mac, but at the moment it’s our job to keep him safe, just like we always do. You’ve all done things to protect Mac in the past that he hasn’t particularly liked – this is the same thing’.

‘No, it’s not’, Jack stands. He needs to pace. ‘This is us saying ‘you’re crazy’, ‘be careful’, ‘don’t get too close’. What’s he gonna think of us now huh? We’ve basically made him a prisoner when he should feel safe’.

‘Hang on a minute. We are _not_ telling him he’s crazy. We are telling him that we understand he’s hurting. That he’s thinking things that he wouldn’t usually. Not because he’s ‘crazy’ but because he’s _ill_. Just like we’d be trying to keep him in bed if he’d recently been shot in the leg. Calm down Jack. We all need to be on the same side if we are going to get _our_ Mac back’.

Matty isn’t sure if what she’s saying helps but she’s desperate to believe it. She’s known Mac a long time and cares for him like family.

‘So, what can we do? Can we bring him some things from home? Sit with him? I need to see him. I’ve only just got back, and I need to show him I’m here’. Bozer hates that Mac is in Medical alone right now. Maybe he can’t do anything to help but he can certainly be there as a familiar face.

‘Look, I know the news about the 5150 is not what you want to hear but there is a real concern that if Mac goes home, he might try to take his life again and I know none of you want that’, Cal pauses.

‘I’ve started his antidepressants this morning and I’ve added a short course of Benzodiazepines to help keep him calm. I’m hoping very much to go ahead with the ECT tomorrow as planned, but Mac will need to re-consent so I can’t guarantee it.

Bozer, yes to bringing things in from home. I’ll sure he’d feel more comfortable in his own clothes. He’ll need things to distract him, but he probably won’t have the concentration for reading. Maybe films/TV he knows, so it’s no big deal if he falls asleep halfway through. I understand you’re the chef’, Cal looks at Bozer, ‘You’ll need to check with Dr Reeves regarding when Mac can have solids and what he can and can’t have.

As for sitting with him. Yes. Absolutely, when Mac allows it. Currently he has specified he only wants to see Jack. However, this may change and if it does, don’t expect too much out of him. He’s going to be tired and may sleep a lot. Follow his lead on if and when he wants to talk. One final piece of advice. People think talking about self-harm and suicide with someone will make it more likely, plant the seed so to speak. That’s not true. Sometimes it’s a relief for that person to be able to talk about it, so don’t shut those conversations down. Let them flow. Be there, listen, don’t judge. And when you need a break, take one. This is a long road. Don’t burn yourselves out. Come and find me if you need to talk’.

Matty looks across the room. Bozer, Riley and Jack all look like they’re lost in their own little worlds. The news about the section and how unwell Mac is, is still sinking in. Jack is the first to react.

‘I’m going to see him. I’ve spent enough time here’. He leaves, not waiting for any acknowledgement or permission.

‘Hey Riley, what to come back to the house and help me pick up some things?’

‘Yeah Boze, that’s a great idea. I take it you don’t need us Matty?’

‘No. Go. The day is yours’.

Matty watches them leave and turns back to Cal.

‘I know you’re here for Mac, and for that I’m grateful, but keep an eye on them too. We’re one big family and this has been really hard for them’.

‘Will do. I’ve seen this dynamic before in special ops but never this strong. Mac’s going to need them and them him. I’ll step in if I need to’.

**MacJackMacJackMacJackMacJackMacJack**

Jack speed walks to Medical. He’s frustrated that he wasn’t with Mac when he woke up. He hopes Mac doesn’t think he’s been abandoned. Jack gives a quick wave to Hannah at the nurses station and goes to Mac’s room. He opens the door quietly in case he’s asleep.

‘Go away’.

_Not asleep then._

‘Hey Hoss, sorry I wasn’t here sooner. Got summoned by the boss lady’. Jack makes his way over to the recliner.

‘I said go away’.

Mac’s face is turned away from him and Jack pauses a moment to take him in. Everything that was there yesterday remains, the wires, tubes, monitors. There’s an oxygen mask hanging round Mac’s neck and Jack notices the bed rails are now up. In addition, the restraints Cal mentioned are visible. They’ve put Mac’s hands in mittens and there are soft restraints around his wrists. Jack is pulled from his observations by Mac’s hoarse voice.

‘Why won’t you just go? Go away’.

Jack takes a moment, trying to work out what he should say but before he can, Mac starts talking again.

‘You left me. I thought you were my best friend, but you let them stop me leaving. I just wanted to go home, and you watched as they put me on the floor. I was terrified Jack and you let them drug me. And now I wake up tied up, with all this stuff back in me’, he tries to gesture but can’t with his wrists restrained. 'I told you I didn’t want it and you didn’t listen. You left me. So just leave now. I don’t need you now’.

Jack can hear the emotion in Mac’s voice, can picture his face. He knows this is part of the kid’s defence mechanism from a lifetime of people betraying him, leaving him, but it hurts all the same. He never wanted to be the one to do that to his friend, didn’t want to add to that ever-growing list of traumas. 

‘Mac, look at me please’. He gets no reply and Mac continues to face away from him.

‘I’m sorry. I don’t know what else to say except I’m not leaving. I’m sorry you were scared yesterday and I didn’t help you. I am trying to help you Mac. I know it doesn’t feel like it, but this is me helping to keep you alive. You have to live buddy. For me and Riley and Bozer and most importantly for yourself. I bet everything feels really overwhelming, but it won’t stay that way. And I won’t let you push me away. It’s ok to need some help. Remember what Cal said, that there would be hard and painful bits. I think this is what he was talking about’.

‘He was talking about me being tied up against my will, was he?’ Mac says sarcastically whilst yanking at his restraints, trying to make his point.

‘About not letting me go home, to my own bed, where I might get some more comfortable sleep’. Jack watching a stray tear work its way down Mac’s cheek. ‘Why would you think that’s caring for me Jack? That’s torture. You don’t love me, or you’d let me go home. I can get better at home!’

‘I’m not sure you can Hoss. Here you’re safe’.

‘I’d be safer at home’, Mac responds frustratedly.

‘No. You wouldn’t’.

‘How do you know?’

‘Because last time you went home, you got a 9mm out the lockbox, wrote goodbye letters, made us paperclip sculptures and sat on the deck ready to shoot yourself in the head!’ Jack roars, letting his emotions overcome him. Tears are streaming again, and Jack feels like they may never stop. He’s lost his temper and regrets it immediately.

There’s silence in the room.

Jack can’t see Mac’s face. Doesn’t know if he should speak again. He went too far.

Then he hears a whimper. He can see Mac silently shaking, his chest shuddering as he tries to hold everything in, just like always.

Jack gets up and walks around the bed. He looks at Mac, who seems to be holding his breath to keep the sobs at bay.

‘Oh Mac. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to lose my temper. I just love you so much kid. I can’t lose you. Come here’.

Jack drops the bed rail and manoeuvres himself on to the bed behind Mac. He pulls him back to lean on his chest and Mac leans into Jack’s neck. Jack wraps an arm around Mac’s chest, putting his hand over Mac’s heart. The other one is there to card through the blonde’s hair.

‘It’s going to be ok. _You’re_ going to be ok’. Jack mummers over and over in a soft voice. Mac finally lets it all go and Jack wonders how many more times he’s going to have to get on this bed and cradled his kid as he sobs. Not that he minds, he would do I forever if it kept Mac safe.

Hannah pops her head round the door.

‘You guys ok?’, she says quietly. ‘I saw a spike on the monitor and the bed rail alarm went’.

‘We’re fine’, Jack reassures her. ‘We’re going to be just fine’.

**MacJackMacJackMacJackMacJackMacJack**

Mac wakes slowly. He can feel the pillow behind his head and quickly notices Jack is no longer there. The oxygen mask is back over his face and he tries to remove it, forgetting the restraints. He feels his breathing hitch and tries to calm down.

_I’m ok, it’s just oxygen. I’m safe, I’m at the Phoenix. Breathe in and out. In and out._

‘Mac? You ok?’

Mac doesn’t realise he’s closed his eyes. He opens them to find Jack by his side, Cal stood at the end of the bed. He didn’t hear them enter the room.

‘I’m ok’, Mac confirms, irritated it sounds so muffled. It’s like Jack can read his mind as he removes the mask, replacing it with the nasal cannula. Mac raises his eyebrows as if to say, ‘You trained as a nurse now?’ Jack grins.

‘Ben said I could switch it out when you woke. I know how much you dislike it’.

‘Thanks’.

‘No problem Hoss, I’ve got your six. How you feeling?’

‘Tired, frustrated, a bit numb’.

‘All those things are normal Mac’, Cal says as he comes to the side of the bed. ‘I’m guessing you wouldn’t mind losing these restraints?’

Mad nods.

‘Ok. There are a few things I need to tell you before that. After what happened, I had to put you on a 5150 hold. That means unless I give permission, you need to stay here for 72 hours, against your will if necessary’.

Mac nods, almost expecting that.

‘I really hope though, that these restraints won’t be necessary again. If you feel yourself starting to panic or get agitated, I want you to tell someone. You also need to leave all the wires and tubes alone. Do you think you can do that?’

‘Yes’, Mac pauses. ‘Did…. did I hurt anyone?’

‘When you tried to leave?’

Mac nods.

‘No Mac. We’re all fine. We just needed to make sure that you were safe. Right, let’s get these off’.

Cal and Jack make quick work of untying and removing the restraints. Then Jack helps Mac to the bathroom and back. Cal waits whilst Mac gets settled again.

‘A couple of days ago we talked about ECT Mac. I know rather a lot has happened since then, but I wanted to know if this was still something you wanted to go ahead with’.

‘It will make me feel better right? Less tired, less numb? I’ll…. I’ll stop thinking about… about ending it all?’ Mac trails off, eyes on his blanket. Jack gently rests a hand on Mac’s shoulder.

‘That’s definitely the hope. It might take 2-3 sessions, it might take more than that, everyone is different. _But_ nearly everyone gets some benefit’.

‘I’ll do it then. Anything to change this feeling’.

Cal nods. ‘I think that’s the right decision. I’m going to go and get everything organised. It would be good for you to have your first session today as we originally planned. I’ll have someone come and get you when we’re ready’.

Mac doesn’t say anything, just continues to fiddle with his blanket now his hands are free again.

‘It’ll be fine buddy’, Jack says softly as Cal leaves the room. ‘What about I read you something whilst we wait? I picked up that one you like, _The Legend of the Rings’_.

‘ _The Lord of the Rings_ Jack and I’m not sure I can bare listening to you mangle all of their names’.

‘I could see if Bozer and Riley are about. I know they would like to see you’, Jack says tentatively.

‘No! I…. I can’t see them yet…. Let them see me like this. Can we just sit here?’

‘We can do whatever you want’.

**MacJackMacJackMacJackMacJackMacJack**

Mac and Jack sit in companionable silence for close to two hours; Mac occasionally dropping off to sleep. Just before 10.30am, Ben appears with another nurse and they wheel Mac down to the operating room. Jack follows close behind. He’s not leaving his kid now.

Cal meets them, along with two other women.

‘Hey Mac, this is Becky. I expect you know her, she’s the Phoenix anaesthesiologist’. Mac nods his head in her direction. ‘And this is Cara. Cara is a specialist mental health nurse I work with’.

‘Hey Mac. Nice to meet you. I’m guessing this is Jack?’ She smiles as she looks at Jack.

‘Got it in one’, Jack smiles back.

‘So Mac, can you slide across onto this bed for me?’ Cal asks.

Mac does so, his jaw clenching with anxiety.

‘I’m just going to run through the procedure once more. In a minute, Becky will administer a general anaesthetic and muscle relaxant and you’ll drift off to sleep. You’ll only be asleep for about 5 minutes whilst I complete the treatment. You won’t feel any pain and you won’t remember it when you wake up. Do you have any questions?’

Mac has been watching Cara reattach his monitoring equipment whilst Cal has been talking, trying to keep his nerves under control.

‘Can Jack stay?’

‘I wasn’t going to suggest anything else’. Cal smiles. ‘Why don’t you come and stand here Jack’. Jack stands where Cal suggests, right next to one side of the bed and takes Mac’s hand in his.

‘You got this Hoss’.

Mac nods and Becky starts injecting the anaesthetic and relaxant. Jack watches as Mac goes limp. Cara inserts a mouth guard and places an oxygen mask on Mac’s face.

‘You can leave now if you want Jack. Sometimes this is hard to watch’.

Jack knows Cal is giving him an out but he’s not leaving his kid.

‘I’m good’.

‘Any questions?’

‘Why is there a blood pressure cuff round Mac’s ankle and can I hold his hand? I mean I don’t want to be electrocuted’.

‘The blood pressure cuff is to stop the relaxant going into his foot so we can monitor the seizure convulsions and yes, you can hold his hand. You won’t get electrocuted. I’ll start now’.

Jack doesn’t really know what to expect but it’s anticlimactic in the best way possible. Mac’s eyes scrunch up as the electric current is administered and then go lax again. The only sign the seizure is starting is Mac’s shaking left foot. Other than that, Jack thinks it’s the most peaceful he’s seen Mac in a while. Sixty seconds later, Mac’s foot stops shaking. Cara removes the mouthguard.

‘Is that it?’ Jack asks surprised.

‘Yes. All done. I’ll just reverse the anaesthesia now’, Becky replies as she and Cara roll Mac onto his side.

‘We’ll stay here until Mac has woken and then he can go back to his room. Why don’t you sit here?’ Cara motions to a chair she’s found for Jack as they wait for his kid to wake up.

**MacJackMacJackMacJackMacJackMacJack**

Mac comes to slowly with a groan.

‘Mac? You with us?’

‘Mac, can you open your eyes for me?’ Groggy blue eyes look across to Becky. ‘That’s great and I’m putting my hands in yours, can you squeeze them for me?’

There’s a pause as Mac’s brain tries to make his body work.

‘Well done Mac, that’s really good’.

‘Feel sick’, Mac groans under the oxygen mask.

‘I’ve just given you some Metoclopramide for the nausea Mac, I know you don’t do well with a general. We won’t move you until it’s taken effect. Just lie there and take slow breaths, you don’t have to do anything else’.

Jack gently grabs Mac’s hand as it travels towards the oxygen mask. He’s used to Mac’s post anaesthetic antics. ‘Just go back to sleep Hoss, I got you’.

‘Hmmmmmm’.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading. Leave a comment if you want to x


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jack takes care of his boy....

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Big thanks to nekaiatsoome on Tumblr for reminding me it is Saturday !! I'm obviously still in shock from last night's episode. Enjoy some caretaker Jack. One of my favourite Mac and Jack moments so far coming up.....
> 
> Hopefully a less hardcore chapter this time round.
> 
> Shout out to beta @teamimprov

20 minutes later they are back in Mac’s room. Jack gets comfortable, knowing he should sleep when Mac sleeps.

Jack must have dozed off as he gets woken rather abruptly by a clang. His eyes snap open to see Mac struggling out of bed, a basin from his tray table now on the floor.

‘Sorry, didn’t meant to wake you’.

‘No problem, you want a hand?’

Jack can see Mac thinking it over. He wants to just tell the kid he’s helping, but he knows Mac needs some control.

‘No, I’ve got it’.

Jack watches Mac shuffle to the bathroom and waits impatiently for him to come back. Just as Jack thinks he’s going to have to check on Mac, there’s a shout from within.

‘Jack’.

‘Yeah’, Jack is at the door in seconds. There’s silence. ‘Mac, I’m coming in’.

Jack opens the door to find Mac sat on the plastic chair, eyes closed, a frown on his face.

‘What’s up?’

‘Headache. Feel so tired’. Jack can hear the frustration in his voice. ‘I want a shower’.

‘I’m not sure that’s the best idea Hoss. I think maybe we ought to just get you back into bed’.

‘No’, Mac whined. ‘Please Jack, I feel so dirty. Don’t make me go back to bed. I just need to feel clean again’.

Jack can never say no to Mac when those big blue eyes stare up at him and Mac knows it. Jack sighs. ‘Ok but you do what I ask and don’t argue with me or I’ll leave your skinny butt here and go and get Ben’.

‘Thanks’, Mac says, his eyes closing.

‘Hey now, don’t go to sleep on me yet. I’m gonna get a chair for the shower and then we’ll transfer you. No nodding off before then’.

Jack grabs a chair from Mac’s room, before putting it in the shower and helping Mac over to it.

‘Er, Jack. I’ve still got my gown on’.

‘I know, man. I thought you might like some modesty whilst I wash your hair’.

‘Oh. Thanks’.

Jack starts running his fingers through Mac’s hair. He knows this is a sure-fire way of relaxing Mac after doing it before when he’s been ill. He adds the shampoo and slowly massages Mac’s head, ignoring the way his shirt and pants are getting soaked from the shower. Jack moved onto the conditioner, taking his time to massage it in properly, watching Mac’s shoulders relax.

‘Have I lost you?’

‘Hmmmmmmm’.

‘Right, well I’m gonna take off your gown now so we can get you all fresh and clean. If I give you a cloth, you think you can deal with your nether regions?’

‘Hmmmmmmm’.

‘Gonna take that as a yes Hoss. Here you go’. Jack hands over a washcloth, Mac holding out a hand blindly, eyes still closed.

Jack washes Mac gently, avoiding his IV site and NG tube as best he can, not to mention the various scrapes and scratches Mac always seems to have. When he’s done, he lets the hot shower run over Mac, knowing his kid is loving every minute. Eventually Jack can feel the water start to cool and knows it’s time to finish up. He drapes a towel over Mac’s lap and one round his shoulders, before tying a towel turban round his hair.

‘Right buddy, time to get you up’. Mac groans. ‘You only have to make it to the other chair, and I’ll get you dressed’. Jack would tease Mac about being a small child, but he’s just happy Mac is accepting his help. ‘So, how would you feel about losing the hospital gown for good? Bozer and Riley went to get you some clothes’.

Mac nods, perking up just slightly at the news.

‘Well, I reckon some nice comfy pyjama pants and a t-shirt should make you feel right at home. I don’t know if they want those sticky pads back on. That’ll make things easier if they do’.

Mac doesn’t say anything, so Jack gets on with it, slowly manipulating Mac’s body into his clothes. He needn’t have worried about Mac’s clothes being too tight, they are practically hanging off him.

Jack lifts Mac easily and carries him back to bed; Mac so tired he makes no complaint.

‘That’s it Hoss’, Jack says, as he lays Mac down. ‘You don’t have to do anything now. Just rest’.

Ben appears to reconnect Mac to everything whilst Jack takes a moment to get into some dry clothes. Then he takes his usual seat by Mac’s bed; content to let his charge sleep, watching the precious rise and fall of Mac’s chest.

**MacJackMacJackMacJackMacJackMacJack**

48 hours go by, a routine of sorts forming in Medical. Mac spends a lot of time sleeping or sitting quietly in bed. He’s been forbidden from exercising whilst his treatment team try to increase his weight. It’s not helping his mood and he makes sure Cal knows.

‘ _Please_ can I just go outside for a walk. Get some fresh air. I feel so cooped up in here. You told me to tell you if I was getting agitated. This is it. It’s happening’.

‘I can understand wanting to get some fresh air and I know you’re anxious to leave here as soon as you can, but these things take time Mac. I can ask Hannah to take you outside in a wheelchair’.

Mac scowls. ‘Come on. I don’t need a wheelchair. I can walk’.

‘Yes, you’re right. However, you’re still on bedrest, not eating solid food and we don’t want the precious weight you have put on coming off again. I know this is frustrating, but you’ll just end up with an NG tube for longer’.

‘Fine. Can Jack take me?’

‘He can but Hannah will go too. You’re still under the 5150 Mac. It’s part of my responsibility to make sure you stay here and don’t get any ideas about leaving’.

Mac scoffs. He knows he can’t win this argument and he doesn’t want to end up restrained again. He’ll just have to give in.

‘Fine. I’ll go with Hannah. When does the hold end?’

‘Your 5150 expires at 6pm this evening. That’s something I wanted to talk to you about. Do you want to talk about it before you go out?’

Mac nods.

‘OK, do you want me to wait for Jack?’

‘No’.

_This does not sound good. He wants to know if I want Jack. He’s not going to let me go, is he? Can he even do that? I just want to go home. I know I’m not as well as I once was but it’s getting a bit better, isn’t it? I mean, I agreed to do the ECT. Not that it feels like much has changed yet. I still don’t want to be here, but I can’t tell him that. Then I’ll never get home. I’ve tried to do as they’ve asked, but it never seems to be good enough._

‘Right, well as I said, your hold finishes at 6pm. As your treating psychologist, it’s up to me as to what happens next. The hold either expires and you are free to go or stay voluntarily for treatment or I can decide to put you on a 5250 hold which can last for a maximum of 14 days’.

_14 DAYS! Another two weeks here. No, no, no, no, no. Please don’t say he’s thinking about that. Come on Mac don’t let him see you are freaking out._

Cal waits to see whether Mac is going to say anything. He knows that this information will probably stress him out, but he has to be transparent and make him aware of the possible options. Mac stays silent, sat in the recliner by the bed, leg bouncing.

‘Since I put you on the 5150, I can see that you have tried to comply with all the treatments. You have been taking your antidepressants, accepting benzodiazepines when they have been offered and started ECT. We haven’t had any need to restrain you. Therefore, at this point in time, I am happy for the 5150 to expire, as long as you can agree to say here for voluntary treatment until Dr Reeves and I are happy to discharge you’.

_So, I agree to stay, or he’ll make me stay. Well, that’s not much of a choice. I guess if I stay voluntarily though, they might be less vigilant. It might be easier to get away without them noticing. At least I could go outside without an escort._

‘How long?’

‘How long until you are discharged?’

Mac nods.

‘Difficult to tell at the moment Mac, which I know isn’t very helpful. Dr Reeves wants to talk to you about nutrition tomorrow I believe, after your second ECT. All I can say is that both of us will make it work as soon as we can. We know that you would prefer outpatient treatment. I would plan on being here another week. Can you tell me how that makes you feel?’

_Terrified, irritated, annoyed, treated like a child. I can’t say that though, but I have to at least be partly truthful or he’ll know I want to leave._

‘It makes me nervous. I’ve never been very good at being a patient. I’m sure that’s obvious by now but I don’t want to be on a 5250. I’ll stay’.

‘Great. Mac, it’s ok to be nervous you know. This isn’t something that happens every day, the unknown can make us nervous but, as a treatment team, we will try and keep you as informed as we can. You just need to tell us if we are simplifying it too much or not enough, depending on where your brain is at, ok?’

‘Yeah’.

‘Good. I’ll sort the paperwork’. Cal leaves to get Hannah. He may not say it, but he’s pleased Mac is starting to show some fight. Starting to show some strong emotions. He’s also pleased Mac told him he was getting agitated. Small steps. Small lifesaving steps.

Mac’s next show of emotion comes before his second ECT session, when he’s asked to change back into a gown for the treatment.

‘I thought I was done with hospital gowns. Why can’t I just wear my clothes? I don’t need a gown’.

‘Well, as I’ve mentioned before, your current physical health means you have more risk factors when having ECT than others might. By wearing a gown, if there is a problem, we can access things quicker and it negates us having to cut off your clothing in an emergency. I’m sure you’d prefer we didn’t do that’.

Mac doesn’t answer, the frown still on his face.

‘I also know that general anaesthetic doesn’t tend to agree with you. At least if you vomit, it won’t be over your own clothes’. Cal waits, seeing if Mac has anything else to add. He doesn’t and he sees Mac’s shoulders drop in defeat.

‘Fine. Whatever’.

**MacJackMacJackMacJackMacJackMacJack**

Mac’s second ECT session goes as smoothly as the first. Although Mac might disagree as he still gets nauseous. Having allowed Mac time to rest, Dr Reeves and Cal appear in the afternoon to discuss Mac’s nutrition. Dr Reeves has concerns that Mac might not take the news well, hence calling in re-enforcements in the form of Cal. Jack, of course, is there, having become a permanent fixture in Mac’s room.

As the doctors enter Mac is making his way out the bathroom. He doesn’t look as ill as he did, there’s some colour back in his skin. He walks slowly though, almost like an old man, breathing heavily. Jack helps him back into bed and Dr Reeves opens the conversation.

‘I thought now might be a good time to talk about your nutrition, physical health and how you’re doing. That sound ok to you?’

Mac nods.

‘So, first things first. Your bloods this morning show that a lot of the imbalances have now been corrected or are well on their way to being so, which is good news. You’ve also put on a small amount of weight. However, you aren’t putting on weight as quickly as we’d like’.

There’s a pause as Dr Reeves gauges Mac’s response. There’s no reaction.

_I don’t know what he wants me to say. It’s not like I’ve been hiding food. I’m eating nothing by mouth. God, they won’t even let me go for a walk. Maybe this means real food again… although I’m not really hungry._

‘With that in mind, we’d like to start introducing oral intake back into your diet. We’ll need to go slowly to avoid overloading your body, but we can start with a small snack every 2-3 hours’.

‘Then I can lose the tube?’, Mac asks.

‘Unfortunately, that’s going to need to stay in a bit longer. The best plan is to start you with snacks and then build up your oral intake. To start off we’ll still need to give you NG feed overnight. Once we can be confident that you’re getting 75% of your intake orally, we can remove the NG tube’.

‘How long?’ Mac’s brain is too tired to ask full complex questions.

‘Well, based on how you’ve done so far, I reckon at least another week, maybe more’.

Mac sighs, dropping his head back on the pillow. It’s not what he wants to hear, and Dr Reeves can see his heart rate start to climb slightly on the monitor.

_Come on! I can’t have this for another week or more. I’ve already got a sore throat and my nose is so itchy. I want to pull it out, but they’ll just put another one in. I’m gonna be stuck here forever. Shit…. Think about something else._

‘However, we’ll be able to get rid of the ECG leads before that, now your blood levels are improving. And with them will go the need for overnight supplemental oxygen’.

The room is silent, and Cal can see Mac’s hands fidget with his blanket. His fingers tense, clenching into fists. Cal looks across at the monitor and the vacant look in Mac’s eyes and decides it’s time to intervene.

‘Mac. Mac. Can you tell me what’s going on right now?’ Cal watches as Mac’s eyes start to water. Mac doesn’t seem to register Cal, so Jack steps in.

‘Hey Hoss’, he says gently, putting his hand on one of Mac’s tense ones. ‘What’s going on it that big ol’ brain of yours? Hmmm? You’ve kinda checked out on us’.

Mac shakes his head, tears free flowing now.

‘Can’t……Can’t…. That’s too long…. I’ll…. stuck here…. want to get it…out’. Mac clenches his fists again.

‘Ok, ok. You won’t get stuck here buddy. I’m not gonna let that happen. I promise you. You’ve only got to stay until you’re well enough to go home and you’re getting better. And whilst you’re here I’m not going anywhere, remember? I promised. I’m not leaving’.

Cal speaks next.

‘Mac, I know that you really want to pull out that NG tube right now and you’re doing so well to resist the urge. Can I give you something to help? It won’t knock you out, just help you to calm down. Help you to panic less about what’s to come. Just focus on the here and now. Relax those fingers. They must be starting to hurt’.

Mac looks at his hands like he’s only just noticing them. Then he nods slowly. Cal draws up a small dose of Diazepam before injecting it into Mac’s IV.

‘Just take some nice deep breaths buddy’, Jack says, having got up to rub Mac’s back comfortingly. They stay like that for five minutes and Mac looks more relaxed. He uses the tissue Cal got him to awkwardly blow his nose, mindful of the NG tube.

‘Sorry’, he slurs slightly.

‘Nothing to be sorry for Mac’, Dr Reeves replies. ‘We can continue this later’.

‘No. Now’.

Dr Reeves nods. ‘Right, well we’ll bring you a snack soon then to get you started. We’ll see about losing the monitoring equipment in the next day or so, although you’ll need it temporarily when you have ECT. For that reason, I’d like to leave the IV cannula in situ. It will make it easier and more comfortable for you, as we still need to draw blood regularly and push medication’.

‘You need to continue with bed rest at the moment, but we will review it regularly and get you up as soon as we can. Is there anything you’d like to ask me?

Mac’s face is blank. Dr Reeves isn’t sure Mac’s heard him but then there’s a quiet ‘No’.

‘I know it’s a lot. If you do think of anything, please ask. I’m around most of the time’.

Mac doesn’t say anything, but Dr Reeves and Cal recognise the conversation is over as Mac slides down under his blanket and turns his body away from them, curling up on his side. They leave the room as Jack gently cards his fingers though Mac’s hair.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, thanks for reading and feel free to leave a comment.
> 
> Remember, you are never alone x


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bit more Jack, Bozer and Riley in this chapter :)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for coming back for another chapter!
> 
> Thanks to my beta @teamimprov

Mac is exhausted. He’s managed to eat a pot of plain yogurt and some applesauce. He didn’t realise eating could be so stressful. Having not eaten properly for several weeks, and having eaten nothing for six days, it’s a struggle. It takes Mac 15 minutes just to eat his yogurt; Jack encouraging him the whole time.

Now it’s 7pm and Mac is asleep for the night; his pump feed running. Mac made Jack promise he would go and see the rest of the team once he was settled. Jack takes one last look and reluctantly leaves Mac’s room. Walking past the nurses desk, Sharon, one of the night shift, promises they will take good care of Mac.

Jack’s brain is elsewhere as he gets behind the wheel of the GTO. He’s meant to be driving back to his apartment to meet Bozer and Riley but somehow, he’s pulling up at Mac’s instead. He lets himself in with his spare key, dropping Riley a text saying he’ll be late. He doesn’t really know what brought him here, but his feet take him towards the deck. As he climbs the short flight of steps, he stops and takes a breath, before moving forward. Jack stands leaning on the rail, taking in the view.

_I kinda understand why Mac chose here. It’s home. It’s open and free and the view is pretty awesome. It’s so quiet. All that life, activity, action happening just down there but here…. here it’s calm, tranquil almost._

Jack moves to sit by the firepit where he found Mac six days previously.

_I don’t know why I’m here. I wish I could turn back time. This used to be the heart of our team, our hangout, our chillout space. Now, there’s this sadness. Mac might never be the same. I saved him but have I still lost him?_

Jack becomes aware of footsteps approaching and goes for his firearm before realising it’s Riley and Bozer.

‘Jack’, Riley starts before seeing tears running down his face. She envelopes him in a hug as she asks, ‘What’s wrong?’

Only then does Jack become aware he is crying. ‘I’m alright hun. Just thinking is all. Didn’t realise the time, sorry’.

‘That’s ok. We thought you might be here, when you weren’t at Phoenix. Alright if we join you?’

Jack nods and they all sit around the unlit pit. There’s silence as they all take in the moment, the place, the recent events here. Bozer speaks first.

‘How are you doing Jack? Can we help in any way?’

‘I’m tired Bozer and I’m scared and worried for Mac. And you guys. This family. It’s exhausting’.

_There’s no point telling them I’m fine and being all protective dad, they’ll see straight through it, damn smart kids._

‘You know you don’t have to worry about us, right?’ Riley says. ‘We love you and we’re scared and worried too. But it’s really important that you know you aren’t alone in this. And anyway, at your advanced age you shouldn’t be taking on so much stress. It isn’t good for the heart’.

‘Who are you calling old, sweetheart? And the old ticker’s just fine; I could run circles around all of you any day’.

‘Whatever you say’, Riley smiles, getting just the reaction she was hoping for. ‘So, how is Mac?’

‘He’s…. getting there, I think. He’s started eating solid food today, which is a massive step. Managed yogurt and some applesauce. Took him 15 minutes to eat a yogurt but he got there in the end. I think… maybe… he’s fighting again. You know what he’s like though, his bottle of emotions is so tight, I’m not sure even I can pop the cork’.

‘Ahh Jack, if anyone is going to manage, it’s you’, Bozer replies. ‘We heard he’s started ECT’.

‘Yeah, two treatments so far. Had one this morning. Weird seeing him go through that but I know it’s not hurtin’ him. Just wipes him out for the rest of the day’.

‘At least he’s sleeping right? I thought he might struggle. I know he wasn’t sleeping before he was admitted to Medical’.

‘Yeah, I asked Cal about his sleep, as he hasn’t had any nightmares. We know how unusual that is’.

Riley and Bozer nod.

‘Cal said it’s because his body is exhausted, plus the drugs have an effect. He thinks they’ll be back as Mac heals physically, so we’ve got that to look forward to’.

‘You know we could probably help with that’, Bozer starts. ‘Sorry, I don’t want to put this on you Jack, but I miss Mac. I just want to see him you know. See him with my own eyes. Tell him I’m there. Would you… would you ask him again if he will see us? We could help, I’m sure we could… somehow’.

‘I know you both could, and it frustrates me too that he won’t let you in. We haven’t talked about it in a couple of days, but I’ll definitely try and ask tomorrow. No, not ask. Suggest it. I think he’s scared you’ll judge him. I keep trying to tell him you won’t, and you just care. I’m sorry. I’ll try’.

‘Hey man, you don’t have to apologise’.

‘Yeah, Bozer’s right Jack. This isn’t on you or even on Mac. It’s just a messed-up situation that we want to try to help fix. We know Mac’s stubborn, especially when he’s ill. We’ll be ok though right. Now come on old man, it’s your turn to buy dinner’.

‘What was that again? Firstly, I am a _young_ man and secondly, since when is it my turn? Dinner is definitely on you kids’.

‘Alright Jack, it’s on me. Just keep looking after Mac alright’.

Jack smiles. ‘You got it Boze’.

**MacJackMacJackMacJackMacJackMacJack**

The following day, once Mac’s had his morning bloods done and battled through a pot of yogurt, Jack keeps his promise to Bozer.

‘So, Riley and Bozer asked how you are last night’

‘Yeah? You actually went and saw them last night then. I wasn’t sure you’d go’.

‘Hey now, slick. I promised, so I did. You can even check with Sharon later; she saw me leave’.

‘Wouldn’t put it past you to climb back in through a window’.

‘Huh, someone’s a comedian this morning. And don’t think you’ve got me off topic either. Riley and Bozer… they miss you. They love and care about you and I think it’s about time they come for a visit’.

_Come for a visit. Way to remind me I’m stuck here Jack, as a patient._

Mac huffs. Jack can tell he’s thinking and decides it’s best to wait in silence.

‘I don’t know’

‘Ok kid. Can you tell me why you don’t know about seeing them? You worried about something?’

‘You sound like Cal’.

‘Maybe I do. Maybe we should have been having these conversations long ago. Hm? Stop you bottling it all up. So…’ Jack tails off, waiting for an answer.

‘What if… what if they can’t deal with who I am now? I’m not the same person they are expecting and I’m not sure I ever will be. I… I don’t want them to worry’.

‘Mac, buddy. Have you ever thought that keeping them away might cause them to worry more? They just want to see you. You don’t have to put on some front for them, they’re happy seeing the _real_ you, whoever that is. Just because you are going through a rough patch doesn’t mean they won’t be there for you. And before you even _think_ it, they don’t think you’re a burden. Did you think Riley was a burden when you were woken by her nightmares after that EMP mission?’

‘No, of course not. She was struggling. It wasn’t her fault’.

‘Exactly and this isn’t your fault’. Jack leans forward and grabs Mac’s hand. ‘Everybody gets down days and some people get a whole bunch of them all lined up in a row, but the majority get better, with help, with support from those that love them. Me included – you remember I told you Caleb Worthy had to get me off the sofa after a gruesome deployment. He saved me, helped me get better. We want to do the same for you if you’ll let us’.

Mac sits on the bed staring down at his and Jack’s hands. He lets out a breath. ‘Ok…. But not today’, he adds hurriedly. ‘Maybe the day after ECT?’

Jack smiles and squeezes Mac’s hand. ‘That sounds good. I know how wacked you are after a treatment. I’ll let them know’.

Jack lets go of Mac’s hand whilst he roots around for his phone. Mac takes the opportunity to snuggle further down in his bed for a nap before any more food turns up. He really isn’t very hungry but knows he should eat.

**MacJackMacJackMacJackMacJackMacJack**

_I’m not sure I’m ready for this. What if they take one look at me and leave again? I’m a burden, why would anyone want to stay with me. I’m grumpy, boring, my brain won’t order my thoughts properly so I can actually speak! God, the nurses must think I’m dumb. ‘Oh, that’s Agent MacGyver. He used to be really ingenious and now he just sits in bed, sleeps and gives one-word answers’. SHUT UP. Come on, that’s not you. You can do this. You’ve got a bit better. You’re even allowed to go for little walks now._

Mac can hear the sarcasm and decides he needs a distraction. Bozer and Riley are visiting this morning and he wants to look as normal as he can.

_Not putting on a front, just… looking presentable._

Mac’s still in the bathroom when he hears his name being called from the other room.

‘Hey Mac, you here?’

_Oh shit, where has the time gone?_

‘Er, yeah, just coming’, he calls. He takes a deep breath and opens the bathroom door.

Riley has been waiting nine days to see Mac. She isn’t really sure what to expect but as Mac walks out the bathroom, she tries not to gasp and keep her face neutral.

_Man, he looks so unwell. So, fragile. I don’t think I realised how bad it was, or maybe it just feels so real now. The NG tube, the IV cannula. He’s sick, but we will get him better. Stop standing there, go hug him. Be normal!_

Riley plasters a smile on her face and walks across to Mac. She tentatively reaches out her arms for a hug and relief sweeps over her when Mac steps into her embrace. They stand there for a moment, comfortable in each other’s space. They pull away and Riley looks up at Mac.

‘Nice to see you stranger’, she says gently.

‘You too’ he replies.

‘Um, what about me? Standing right here’, Bozer jokes.

‘Boze’, Mac says fondly before gesturing for him. Bozer walks across the room and hugs Mac. ‘I’ve really missed you’, he whispers, trying to keep his tears at bay.

Mac’s eyes are shining with tears as he agrees.

‘I think I need to sit down’, Mac admits, embarrassed.

Bozer immediately nods. ‘Of course, sorry, sorry. Do you need a hand?’

‘Nah, I’m good’.

Mac walks slowly back across to the bed, Riley having already pulled back the blankets.

‘Thanks Riles’. Riley’s heart soars. She didn’t realise how much she’d missed that nickname.

Once Mac is settled, Riley and Bozer drag their chairs closer to the bed. Jack, who’s been watching the whole thing leant against the wall, stays where he is. He’s back on overwatch duty for his kids.

There’s a silence before Bozer decides he’s got to break it. It’s starting to feel awkward.

‘I brought you some homemade tomato soup. I know it’s one of your favourites and Dr Reeves said it would be ok’.

‘Thanks Boze, you really didn’t have to’.

‘I know I didn’t, but surely you would admit, my food is better than the food here’.

Mac smiles just a little and Jack notices. This was definitely the right move.

‘Yeah, you’re right about that’.

‘Speaking of food’. Jack pipes up as Hannah appears with a small bowl of Bozer’s soup, placing it down on Mac’s tray table.

‘Thanks’.

‘No problem. Shout it you need me’, she reminds them as she leaves again.

Mac looks apprehensively at the soup. It smells delicious and now, after three ECT sessions, he is starting to get some appetite back, but it’s still a struggle. Riley can see Mac probably doesn’t want the focus on him right now, so she starts talking. She mentions all the lab gossip Mac might have missed. Bozer talks about Sparky and his latest plans and ideas. Mac even manages to come up with a few suggestions. Riley goes on to tease Jack, wishing she had all the time off he was getting. Matty has been keeping them busy.

‘But, Mac, you’ll be pleased to hear on our behalf, that Matty has given us the rest of the day off’. Riley smiles. ‘We thought we might relieve you of the old man for the afternoon, let you get some peace and quiet’.

Mac looks across to Jack’s indignant face.

‘We’ve had this conversation. I don’t know who you’re calling old. Plus, I can be as quiet as a mouse when I need to!’

‘Jack, go out and have some fun. I’ll be ok. I’m probably just gonna sleep anyway. Not used to this much excitement’, Mac blushes slightly.

‘You sure kid?’

‘Yeah, really’. With that, Mac yawns.

‘I think that’s our cue to leave’, Bozer remarks. He takes hold of Mac’s hand. ‘It was really good to see you. Maybe we could come a bit more often?’

Mac nods as Bozer makes way for Riley. Riley hugs Mac, half sitting on his bed.

‘We’ll always be here for you Mac, no matter what’, she whispers into his ear. He acknowledges her with a tilt of the head. Riley lets him go and Mac allows her to pull the blanket up over him as he lays down to nap.

‘See you later Hoss’

‘Hmmmmm’, is all the response they get as they leave the room.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading, comment if you'd like to. Love having a rapport with readers :)
> 
> Stay safe x


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mac experiments.....

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a hardcore chapter, please heed the TWs and stop reading if it all gets too much. Stay safe and well lovelies x
> 
> Short little chapter. Promise the next one is longer.....
> 
> Thanks to my beta @teamimprov

Mac naps for an hour and a half. When he wakes, he notices someone has cleared away his soup bowl and left a glass of water for him. He sips it slowly until it’s all gone and then gets up to use the bathroom. That done, he feels the need to stretch his legs. He throws on a hoodie and some shoes, glad to be rid of the irritating monitoring equipment finally. He meets Hannah at the nurses station.

‘Hey Mac, had a good sleep’.

‘Yeah. Fed up of being so tired though’.

‘It will get better. Your body’s just catching up on some rest, as I’m sure you know’.

‘Thought I might stretch my legs’.

‘Ok, well you ate all of that soup, so I think that’s a fair reward. You know the deal though; stick to campus and be back in 30 minutes. Don’t overdo it’.

‘Yes ma’am’.

Hannah smiles and shoos him away with a hand.

Mac didn’t realise how precious a walk was, until he was forbidden from exercising. Now he was making the most of his newfound freedom.

Once outside, he made his way to one of the benches, frustrated he needed to stop for a breather. He sat down, closing his eyes, trying to block out the noise. He wants to be somewhere quiet. No noise from machines, nurses, traffic, colleagues. Just silence. An idea forms in his mind.

_I’ll probably get in trouble for this but I’m not on a hold anymore. I just need to go somewhere quiet. Then I’ll come back. It’s not like I’m running off forever._

Mac grabs his phone and starts to order an uber.

**MacJackMacJackMacJackMacJackMacJack**

‘Hey… here I am. The sum total of both of you. All the good and all the bad’.

Mac sits on the grass in front of the two graves.

‘You taught me I could fix things, but I’m not sure I can fix this. I’m not sure I can fix me. I really wish you were here right now. Maybe you could help me fix this’.

Mac starts to cry, glad that nobody is around to watch.

‘I feel so numb all the time. Not that long ago, I was ready to join you, add another stone to this line. Now I’m not so sure. Yeah, sometimes it still seems like a good idea but what about Jack, Bozer, Riley. I can’t leave them now. It’s not fair. But I can’t just keep feeling nothing. So…’, Mac takes a deep breath. ‘I’m going to try something’.

He takes the scalpel from Medical out the pocket of his hoodie.

‘I want to feel something’.

Mac rips the packaging off and lays the knife on the grass. He removes his hoodie, leaving him in just a t-shirt. It’s not cold but he shivers from his lack of nutrition.

‘I’m trying, you know. I mean I’m still got an NG tube stuck to my face and a cannula in. Dad, you know how much I hate them. I guess I plan on going back. I just need some peace and here, with you, it’s the only place I feel that. Huh, feel peace – not even sure I can feel that anymore. But you know me, I’m a fixer, you guys made me one. So, I have to see if I can fix this’. Mac picks up the scalpel. ‘I have to see if I can still feel’.

He lays the scalpel on his forearm, just below the elbow and cuts. Not deep, superficial the medics would call it, but enough for it to hurt.

Mac waits.

There is a small spark of pain in the back of his mind, but it does nothing to overwhelm the sense of numbness he feels.

‘I hope you can understand. I wish things had been different and you were both still here’, he sobs. Then he laughs. ‘You’d probably tell me trial and error in a controlled environment; that’s what makes a good experiment. Well, I guess this is my environment, my experiment’.

Mac slices into his arm again, this time deeper. He watches as the clean wound of the scalpel almost disappears until the blood starts to seep out. This one starts to gape, deeper than the last.

‘I still don’t feel’, he cries. ‘Is this how it’s going to be forever? I can’t live like that. I wish you could talk to me, tell me what to do. I don’t… I don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t want to die but I don’t want to be numb’.

With that, Mac’s instinct takes over. He slashes at his forearm with increasing frenzy, anything to stop feeling numb. When blood obscures his view, he moves onto the other arm. Eventually, he stops, exhausted.

‘It doesn’t work’, he whispers, shocked. ‘No matter how deep I go, I still feel numb’.

Mac lays down in front of his parents graves, using his hoodie as a pillow.

‘I miss you both so much. You could fix this. Please fix this for me’, he pleads before closing his eyes and drifting off.

**MacJackMacJackMacJackMacJackMacJack**

Riley and Bozer decided to treat Jack to a late lunch at a taco place he wouldn’t stop talking about.

‘See. I told you this was the place to go. Believe me, when you’ve done a lot of missions in Mexico, you know what a proper one should taste like. Mmmmmmm’.

‘Ok, yep. I agree. These are so good. Bozer, I’m not sure even you could replicate them’.

‘I don’t know. They’ve definitely got a secret ingredient in the salsa. I might have to use my spy skills to find out’. Bozer smiles and raises an eyebrow. ‘And Jack, before I forget, thanks man for getting Mac to see us. I think it went ok’.

‘Yeah, thank you. It’s been hard not seeing Mac and I admit, I was a bit shocked by how he looked but it wasn’t as awkward as I thought it would be’, Riley adds.

‘Bozer, Riley, you know it’s my pleasure. I actually saw the kid smile a few times. I think it did him good. I’m guessing you could pop by any time now, but I better check with my boy first’.

Bozer nods. ‘That would be great but yeah, check with Mac first. He needs to have some control’.

The trio were interrupted by Jack’s phone. He shows them the caller ID and says, ‘Boss lady I expect’.

‘Hey Jack, it’s Hannah. Just wondered if you were with Mac?’

‘No. Why? He should be with you. Has something happened?’

Riley can see something bad is going on as soon as Jack answers his phone. She grabs her rig from her bag; she has a feeling she’ll need it.

‘Mac went out for a walk. We agreed he would stay on campus and be back within 30 minutes. I gave him some leeway as I know how much he likes being outside, but it’s been an hour now and security can’t locate him’.

‘Ok, hang on’. Jack places his hand over the phone and looks at Riley. ‘Can you track Mac’s phone?’

Riley nods.

‘Riley and Bozer are with me. We’re going to track his phone’.

Jack and Bozer sit tensely as Riley’s fingers fly across the keyboard. A very long 30 seconds later, Riley looks up.

‘He’s at Grand View Memorial Park’.

‘That’s where his folks are buried. Hannah, did you get that?’

‘Yeah. Do you want me to send medics?’

‘Yes. We’re closer so we’ll go now. Meet them there’.

‘Ok, bye’.

‘Let’s go kids. Mac took off again’.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You still with me....? 
> 
> Thanks for reading. Comments are always welcome.


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jack, Riley and Bozer scramble to save Mac

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I imagine it's be a long week's wait, but it's a big chapter today so hopefully that makes it better!
> 
> Hope you've all stayed safe this week.
> 
> Thanks beta @teamimprov

Jack, Riley and Bozer make it to Grand View in record time. As soon as they pull up, Jack is out the car and hurrying towards the MacGyver gravestones. He shouts for someone to bring the med kit just in case. As Jack gets closer to the graves, he can see an outline of a body laid down in front of them. He breaks into a run, praying he’s not too late.

‘Mac! Mac!’ Jack slides down on his knees next to his kid; oblivious to whether Riley and Bozer are close behind or not. Jack shakes Mac’s shoulder. ‘Come on sleepy head, time to get up now’.

Nothing.

He rolls Mac towards him and that’s when he sees the blood.

‘Mac, buddy, what have you done?’

Jack nervously puts two fingers to Mac’s neck, checking for a pulse. Much to his relief he finds one.

‘Riley, I need an ETA on those medics’.

Riley is stood slightly away from Jack and doesn’t make a move to do anything.

‘Riley! Come on hun, he’ll be ok. I need medics though’.

Riley nods and turns away whilst pulling out her phone.

‘Bozer, I need that kit here’, Jack gestures to his side as he brings his hand up and rubs Mac’s sternum.

Mac groans.

‘Come on Hoss. It’s Jack. Can you open your eyes?’

Mac groans again but makes no effort to wake up.

‘I need you to stay with me. Listen to my voice. Bozer and I are just gonna see where this blood is coming from’.

Jack can see Mac’s forearms are a mess. Blood everywhere. He’s also pretty sure he can see some fatty tissue in the deep wounds. Jack takes a deep breath as he spots the scalpel.

‘Bozer, I need you to hold up Mac’s arms one at a time and I’m gonna dress them, ok?’

Bozer swallows and nods his head. He dons some gloves and gently picks up Mac’s right arm. He holds it by the hand, allowing Jack as much access as possible.

‘Riley, medics?’

‘Six minutes out’.

Jack concentrates on finding the largest dressings he can, putting pressure on the wounds and wrapping bandages tightly round Mac’s arm. One down, one to go. Him and Bozer move onto the next arm, Mac not so much as flinching whilst they work. When they’re done, Mac’s arms are bandaged from wrist to elbow.

‘Medics are pulling up Jack’.

‘Great, we’re going to them. It’s too hot out here’.

Jack scoops Mac up and carries him back to the waiting Phoenix ambulance. He’s relieved to see a medic he knows.

‘Hey Marcus. Found him unconscious about ten minutes ago, he responded to a sternal rub but nothing more. Multiple lacerations on his forearms, look like they’ve bled heavily. I can see down three layers on some of the deep ones. We’ve dressed them with Quikclot. Haven’t irrigated or anything’.

‘Ok, let’s get him on the gurney and go’, Marcus replies, glad of Jack’s competent handover. Jack lays Mac down and then hesitates, looking at Riley and Bozer.

‘Go’, Riley orders. ‘We’ll meet you back there’.

Jack nods his head in thanks and swings the ambulance door shut. They start moving immediately. Marcus has already started strapping Mac to the gurney.

‘Mac’, Marcus gently squeezes Mac’s shoulder. ‘Mac, I need you to wake up for me. Open your eyes’. He moves to rub his sternum. ’Mac, open your eyes’. Mac moans and Marcus sees a flash of blue iris before they close again. ‘Ok, well that’s better than nothing. Jack, I can’t put an IV here and his last one is blown. Reckon you can do an intraosseous in his leg?’

‘Yeah, hand it over’. Jack starts the IO whilst Marcus is recording Mac’s temp, heart rate and BP.

‘BP is low. I’m gonna start him on some O2. We might get a reaction, so be prepared’.

‘Always am. IO is in’. Jack grabs hold of Mac’s hand and starts rubbing gentle circles. ‘Mac, Marcus is gonna give you some oxygen. You’re ok. I’m right here’.

The reaction is almost instantaneous. Mac tries to raise his arms as the oxygen mask is strapped over his face. He’s confused and disorientated, but he knows he wants it off. Jack gently grabs his upper arms, mindful of his injuries.

‘Mac, you’re ok. You’re in a Phoenix ambulance. I’m here. It’s Jack. You won’t be hurt’.

Mac’s struggles subside as Marcus grabs some fracture splits.

‘Put this on that arm, would you’, gesturing to the arm Jack’s holding. ‘I don’t want him aggravating his injuries even more’.

Jack slides the splint onto Mac’s forearm as Marcus does the same on the other side.

The rest of the ride to Phoenix goes quickly. Marcus expertly removing the rest of Mac’s clothing to check for further injuries. As the ambulance pulls up, the doors open and the gurney carrying Mac removed. Heading towards a resus bay, Marcus gives a handover.

‘Angus MacGyver, 30, found unresponsive with multiple lacerations to forearms, query self-inflicted, approximately 25 minutes ago. No other injuries found. GCS 12, that’s 3, 4 & 5\. BP 80 over 40, heart rate 82, SpO2 was 85, now 92% on 15 litres. Resp. rate of 30, Temp 101.8. He’s got a 15 gauge in his right leg, one litre of saline going in. He’s had 5mg morphine and 10mg of metoclopramide. Forearms were dressed with Quikclot gauze and wrapped prior to our arrival. They’ve been splinted for protection due to agitation and confusion’.

Jack stands back as the medical team transfer Mac onto a bed and continue to treat him; Dr Reeves issuing commands. Mac is out of it, hardly groaning except when his arms are moved. Jack wants to step up and hold his kid but doesn’t want to get in the way. Hannah catches his eye and motions for him to join her.

‘I know you want to be over here. I’ve put a stool at the head end of the bed. You can sit there and talk to Mac’.

‘Thanks’, Jack smiles and lowers himself onto the stool; letting his fingers run through Mac’s hair. ‘You’re ok Hoss. I’m right here. You’ll be ok’.

Dr Reeves appears at his side. ‘I’m going to have a quick look at Mac’s wounds. Anything I need to know?’

‘Er, it’s a mess. There was a lot of blood so I couldn’t see everything. I reckon there are at least 15-20 cuts on each arm. There are a few that are really deep. I could see the fat layer. I found a scalpel’. Jack stops, swallows and closes his eyes for a moment.

‘It’s ok, Jack. That’s enough info. Thank you. I think I’ll end up calling in an ortho specialist, but I’ll just have a look’.

Dr Reeves moves away, and Jack continues stroking Mac’s hair, mindful of the central line they’ve inserted, a replacement for the IO cannula. Mac lazily opens his eyes and moans. Jack leaps up and meets Mac’s eyes.

‘Hey Hoss, you back with me. You’re at Phoenix. You’re ok’.

‘Wha’happ..nd?’

‘I found you at Grand View. Think you went to see your folks… You’ve got some pretty deep wounds on your arms’.

Mac looks away, evidently not wanting to talk about it.

‘Mac’, Dr Reeves interrupts. ‘I’m just going to have a look at your arms. I’ve given you some pain meds but tell me if it gets too much’.

Mac nods, closes his eyes and turns his head away. Jack watches as a single tear slides down Mac’s cheek.

_My kid is still in pain. The pain never really went away, and I left to go out for lunch. FOR LUNCH. I should never have left him alone._

Jack can tell when it starts to hurt. Mac’s jaw tensing under the oxygen mask. The pinch reappearing between his eyebrows. He can see Mac trying to slow his breathing.

‘You sure you don’t want anything for the pain, buddy? It’s not failing it you do’.

Mac just shakes his head. Eyes still closed.

After 15 minutes of prodding and poking, Dr Reeves leaves to call the surgeon. Jack stays by Mac’s side. He’s not going anywhere, ever again.

**MacJackMacJackMacJackMacJackMacJack**

An hour later, the orthopaedic surgeon, a Dr Madani, arrives. Mac is a bit more alert and orientated but ignores Jack, or anybody else, when they ask what happened. Thankfully Dr Madani doesn’t ask. Just informs them that they will get Mac into the OR as soon as possible to irrigate, repair and dress his wounds.

Hannah comes in to prep Mac for surgery and tells Jack they aren’t really sure how long it will take. Depends on several factors and suggests a ballpark time of an hour, maybe 90 minutes.

‘Go and get some food Jack, maybe some coffee. We’ve got Mac from here’.

‘I’ve heard that before’, Jack responds grumpily before immediately apologising.

‘It’s ok. We’re going to head off now’, Hannah replies. Another nurse appears and Mac is wheeled away to surgery.

Jack makes his way to the lounge and finds Bozer and Riley.

‘Hey, you ok?’

‘I think I should be asking you two that. Ya did good. Real good. Thank you’. Jack gathers up his kids and gives them a big hug. ‘You did really good’, he repeats, trying not to cry.

‘So did you’, Bozer replies, before walking across to make Jack coffee.

They have all got comfortable on the sofa when Matty and Cal come in.

‘Hey, how we doing?’

‘Alright I suppose. Just a bit shocked I guess’, Bozer admits.

Cal nods. ‘That is exactly how it should be. I’d be surprised if you weren’t’.

‘But we’re trained to deal with trauma, push on in the field’.

‘But none of you are in the field now and this one is close to home. That will always affect people more’.

‘I don’t employ you to be robots’, Matty adds. ‘I rely on the human factor, on you. So, no beating yourself up because you think you should be holding it together. That goes for all of you’, Matty says, focusing on each and every one of them in turn.

‘If you think you can manage it’, Cal starts, ‘I’d like to go through everything that happened today’.

All of them agree. ‘Anything for Mac’, adds Riley.

‘Ok, so Jack. I’m guessing you were with Mac before Riley and Bozer’s visit?’

‘Yeah’.

‘How did he seem?’

‘Well, I think he was nervous, about meeting these two. He… he didn’t want to seem weak. Be seen as a patient, ya know’.

‘Yes, that doesn’t surprise me and it’s in keeping with Mac’s behaviour. How did the visit go?’

Riley spoke up first. ‘It went ok. I admit I was nervous and a bit shocked when I first saw Mac, but it got easier as time went on. We just chatted about things we’d been doing. Nothing special’.

‘Yeah’, Bozer agrees. ‘Mac gave me some ideas regarding a project I’m currently working on. He sounded genuinely interested. I brought some homemade soup, which he ate whilst we were there. We, er, made the conversation light and tried not to draw attention to him, so he didn’t feel he was being watched whilst eating’.

‘Sounds like the visit was a success then. He was ok when you left?’

Riley nods. ‘I told him Matty had given us the day off and suggested we take Jack for lunch. He looked like he needed some peace and quiet’.

‘And he was happy for you to go Jack?’

‘Yeah, I asked twice just to make sure. Told me he was just gonna sleep anyway. Not used to so much excitement’. Jack paused. ‘I should have stayed. He pretended he was going to sleep last time he slipped away’.

‘No, you can’t think like that. I spoke to Hannah and Mac did sleep for at least 90 minutes after you left. Maybe something happened once you’d gone. Hannah said Mac seemed fine when he asked to go out for a walk’.

‘Yeah, but that’s his job. Plus, he’s been bottling his emotions up for so long…’ Jack trails off.

‘I know and that’s something we are going to work on. First of all, though, I need to assess whether this was another attempt by Mac to take his life’.

‘Doc, no offence but I found a scalpel next to him. Doesn’t that answer the question’.

‘Not necessarily’.

‘Well, what else could it have been?’ Bozer asks.

‘It may have been self-harm that got out of hand. We won’t know until Mac’s recovered from surgery and willing to talk about it’.

‘Well, he wasn’t very talkative earlier. Just ignored me when I brought the subject up’. Jack sighs, hurting because his kid is hurting.

‘I heard. Dr Reeves mentioned he was uncommunicative. For that reason, and what happened today, I’m going to suggest a different treatment approach’.

Jack, Riley and Bozer look at each other, visibly nervous about what Cal might say.

‘Firstly, I should inform you that I’ve put Mac back on a 5150. Until I know exactly why today’s incident happened, I have to protect his wellbeing’. Cal pauses, waiting to gauge the rooms reaction. Bozer and Riley are quiet, both looking down at their hands. Jack looks Cal directly in the eye.

‘I hate saying this, but I think… I think you’ve made the right decision’, Jack concedes.

‘It is hard sectioning someone, but I truly believe this is the right plan. I also believe that Mac needs some time away from the Phoenix. To separate his job and his treatment. Therefore, when Mac’s surgery has finished and he’s cleared from the recovery room, we are going to transfer him to the Resnick at UCLA’.

‘Now, wait a minute’, Jack starts.

Matty interrupts him. ‘Jack, Cal has already discussed this with me, and I think it’s the best plan. He’s getting better physically; he’s started eating and they will be able to look after his new wounds. I’m not sure being here is helping’.

Jack slumps. ‘I just wonder if he will feel like we’re pushing him away. That we don’t want him here’.

‘There is that possibility, but if he does feel that way, it will only be temporary. I’m not suggesting that he shouldn’t have any contact with Phoenix. In fact, that would be worse. You are his family and he’ll need that. Visitors are allowed every day and I’ll be expecting you all to go if you feel you can. The benefit of Resnick is that it is a specialist hospital for psychiatric treatment. There are set routines, therapies on site. Mac can gain a lot from having some structure to his recovery. It will also mean he may recover quicker. Don’t get me wrong, the team of medics here have done a great job so far on his physical treatment, but now is the time to step up the psychiatric treatment’.

There’s silence in the room and then Riley speaks.

‘I think deep down we all know this is the right decision. I even think that if it were one of us who was ill, Mac would agree. He’s an engineer, a pragmatist. He would understand the reasons. I’m just not sure he’s going to understand them right now’. She tries to put on a brave face. ‘But we can still visit, remind him that we’ll be here waiting when he’s better, right Jack?’

Jack smiles sadly at Riley.

‘When did you become all grown up huh? Bozer, you doing ok?’

‘No, not really. I miss my best friend and I guess if this gets him back, then it’s the best thing. I don’t ever again want to find him like I did today’.

‘I know this is difficult and if any of you want to talk, my door is always open. Just give me a call’. Cal looks at Matty. ‘I’m sure Matty would say the same’.

Matty nods. ‘I would and you all know that. Whatever you need’.

Cal gets up to leave. ‘I’m going to go and sort the transfer out. I don’t think the surgery will be too much longer. I’m sure Dr Madani will talk to you once he’s done’.

‘Wait! Can we see him before you do the transfer?’ Jack asks, hoping he won’t need to plead to see his boy.

Cal thinks for a moment. ‘Yes, _but_ he won’t be awake and just the one person’.

Jack looks to Riley and Bozer.

‘Of course, it’s got to be you. We’ll see him at Resnick’, Bozer replies to the silent question.

Riley nods in agreement.

‘Thank you’.

**MacJackMacJackMacJackMacJackMacJack**

45 minutes later, Dr Madani has been to see them, and Jack is walking into recovery to see Mac. He’s pleased to see Hannah is there.

‘Hey, come and take a seat. You’ve got a little time before the transfer ambulance gets here’.

Jack sits on the seat offered by Hannah. He lets his gaze wonder to Mac’s face. He looks so serene if Jack doesn’t look any lower. His face is lax, just the NG tube and nasal cannula suggesting that he is anything other than healthy. Jack takes a deep breath and looks further down. Dr Madani had already told them that he had to put in over 150 stitches whilst repairing Mac’s arms. They should all heal okay, but he had to repair some nerves in Mac’s left arm so he might lose some feeling there; it will depend on how it heals. 

Bandages and a splint cover Mac’s arms from above the elbow to the hand. Jack knows that it’s gonna hurt like a bitch when Mac wakes and can only hope that the nurses at UCLA know what they’re doing. He’s already tried to make his case for staying with Mac but Cal has been quite clear. Only visitors at official times and possibly not for the first two days.

Jack is gutted.

‘Hey Hoss, it’s me. Look, you don’t know this yet, but they are gonna take you somewhere else to heal. I think… I think it’s gonna help but it might be hard. I’m gonna miss you’. Jack starts running a hand through Mac’s hair. ‘You and I are gonna have to be brave. You know I’ll always have your back and I’ve not left. I’m sorry I can’t be there, believe me I tried. I feel like I’m deserting you man but please know I’m not. I will be there as soon as I can, and they’ll have to pry me away from you. Please get better. You were doing so well. I’ll never forgive myself if you don’t make it kid’. Jack has to stop to wipe away the tears. ‘Look at this, you got me all weepy. I wish you were awake just so you could make fun of me. You are loved Mac, always will be’.

Jack leans forward and touches his forehead to Mac’s, staying there a moment just to relish hearing his boy breathe. Then he leaves, his heart breaking into more pieces than he ever thought possible.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for sticking with me. It will get better!


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mac wakes up at the Resnick...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't believe it's Saturday again! Time flies when you are also writing for Febuwhump!
> 
> Thanks as always go to my beta @Teamimprov

Mac comes to groggily and immediately recognises the familiar floating sensation of being on really good pain medication.

_Dang it, I’m in medical again. I don’t remember. Argh, come back brain. Why is everything so foggy? Pain meds like these mean surgery, right? But why…? It’s nice and warm… I’ll deal with it later……_

The next time Mac wakes, he feels more coherent. The slightly foggy feeling is still there but he’s more interested in finding out what happened. He rolls his head to his right but finds no one. Rolling his head to the left, he’s surprised to see Cara sat there.

‘Cara?’

‘Hey Mac, you’re awake. Can you tell me how you’re feeling?’

Mac frowns

_Why is Cara here? I don’t have ECT today. Maybe I had it and I’ve forgotten. Where’s Jack though? Jack’s always here. He’s always here unless…. Unless he’s hurt._

Cara can see Mac’s heart rate start to increase and is about to say something when Mac beats her to it.

‘Where’s Jack? Is he ok? Did something happen to him?’

‘Jack’s fine. He’s absolutely fine. Nothing has happened to him, ok. Deep breaths. Can you tell me how you’re feeling?’

‘Did I have ECT? I see you for ECT. I don’t… I don’t understand’.

‘No, you didn’t have ECT today. Can you remember anything from today? I think you were at a cemetery’.

‘Um’

_Oh. I went to see mum and dad. I felt numb. I took a scalpel._

Cara sees Mac’s brain start to play catch up. The moment he remembers what happened and looks down at his arms. The sharp intake of breath.

‘My arms’, Mac exhales. He tries to move them, but they feel so heavy and he can’t bend his elbows.

_Surgery. I had surgery. That’s why. The pain meds. I need to speak to Jack. What must he think? Oh no!_

Mac’s eyes start to frantically scan the room like Jack might appear from nowhere.

_Wait, this isn’t the Phoenix. Shit, why am I not at the Phoenix and why is Cara here?_

‘Where am I? This isn’t the Phoenix. I need to see Jack. Please can you get Jack’, Mac rambles, his breathing short and shallow.

‘I can’t get Jack right now Mac. I need you to calm down and I’ll explain everything. First though, you need to lay back and take some nice deep breaths. In 2, 3, 4, 5. Hold. Out, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7. And again’.

When Mac first woke up, Cara paged Cal and he now appears in the doorway, watching as Mac tries to calm down. He joins Cara by the bedside as Mac’s breathing normalises.

‘Hey Mac. I know you have a lot of questions and I will explain all of them but first I need you to answer two things. Firstly, are you in any pain?’

Mac shakes his head.

‘Great. Secondly, do you want a small dose of something calming before I start?’

Again, Mac shakes his head.

_Calming. No. I need to be able to think, to listen. Be with it._

‘Ok. Well, you can always change your mind, just let me know. As to what happened, Jack, Riley and Bozer found you in front of your parent’s graves. You had serious lacerations to both forearms and were unconscious’.

_Oh no. They all found me._

‘You were brought back to the Phoenix and an orthopaedic surgeon operated to fix the damage to your arms. You were then transferred here to the Resnick Psychiatric Hospital at UCLA under a 5150 hold’.

Mac’s heart feels like it stops… and then it’s racing.

_He put me on a hold again. We’re not at the Phoenix, that’s why Jack isn’t here. Or maybe, maybe he left. Doesn’t want to deal with me like this. The hold. They think… They think I tried to end it again, but I didn’t. I’ll get stuck here. Maybe I should get stuck here. Protect them. NO! I need to see Jack. I need him to understand. He can tell the others. He might not want me but… but I have to explain._

‘I need to see Jack’, Mac says, stumbling over his words as he tries to talk quickly. ‘I need to see Jack and explain. He needs to understand. I can’t stay here. I have to tell him’.

He rambles on as he desperately tries to push himself up on the bed. Without the use of his arms, it’s almost impossible. He can only swing them up and down, left and right. He can’t bend them. Can’t get his hands anywhere near his upper body to remove anything. He might as well be in restraints again. Cal is saying something but it’s white noise to Mac. He feels hands on his shoulders, pushing him easily back against the mattress.

_I have to speak to Jack. Why won’t they let me speak to him?_

His head starts to feel heavy as a foggy cloud slowly descends over his consciousness. He closes his eyes to try and clear it, but his eyes stay closed and then there is nothing.

**MacJackMacJackMacJackMacJackMacJack**

Cara sits with Mac until he wakes again. She is his 1:1 nurse for the shift, Cal thinking a familiar face might help. He also doesn’t want Mac to be alone for the first few days, certainly not until they have talked about what happened in the graveyard and Mac’s intentions.

‘I know you’ve got lots of questions Mac, do you want to ask some of them, and I’ll try my best to answer? You need to stay calm for me though ok?’

‘I’m sorry. I… I panicked last time I woke up. It all just feels so overwhelming’.

‘I get that. A lot has happened, and your body is still recovering which will make you tired, too. I bet that brain isn’t working quite as fast as normal’.

Mac nods.

_I don’t even know where to start. I guess if I don’t talk though I’ll be here even longer._

‘Would it help if I asked some questions? Get things going and you might then remember what you wanted to ask’.

‘Yes, please’.

‘Ok. Can you remember why you went to the cemetery?’

Mac waits a moment. ‘Yes. I… I just wanted some peace and quiet. I was fed up with all the noise. The machines, the nurses. I thought if I went for a walk it would be better, but then I got outside, and it wasn’t. There were cars and traffic and people walking around. I just wanted to be alone. In the silence. I know it’s quiet at Grand View, so I went there. I always planned on coming back’.

Cara nods. ‘I can understand wanting some quiet. We always try to make it as peaceful as possible in the hospital, but I know we still end up disturbing people with drug rounds or food or doing vitals. Do you think you could tell me why you took the scalpel?’

Mac looks down at his hands.

_I knew she was going to ask this. I’m not even sure myself. Will she believe that though? Won’t they just think I’m lying?_

‘I…. I don’t really know. It’s almost like I wasn’t really myself. Just taking it but without a real plan. But then I got to the cemetery. I felt numb, like I wasn’t sure I would ever feel anything ever again. I would just exist and that scared me’.

Mac pauses and Cara doesn’t interrupt. She recognises that Mac is being more open than possibly he ever has before, and she doesn’t want him to shut down again.

‘My parents always taught me that sometimes you have to experiment. I mean, I spend most of my life…. spent most of my life, experimenting, improvising’.

Cara catches the way that Mac corrects himself and bookmarks it to come back to later.

‘I guess I thought I would experiment. See if I could feel pain through the numbness’. Mac blushes embarrassed now by his stupidity as he says it out loud. ‘I guess that’s why I took the scalpel’.

‘I understand Mac. You wanted to see if you could feel something, so you cut your arms to see if it would hurt. I’m guessing that maybe it didn’t at first?’

‘No’. Mac can feel the tears welling up. ‘I thought it would work and it didn’t, but I kept trying. And then suddenly I had all these cuts on my arms and I still felt so numb. I had failed. I thought it would work. Make… make me feel normal again’. Mac starts to cry.

‘This wasn’t a failure Mac. _You_ are not a failure. You tried something and maybe it didn’t work but do you know what that tells me? That you wanted to fight. You didn’t do it because you wanted to die. You thought it might help. You want to be here. To be alive. Feel better. And we will help you do that. Find some strategies for when you feel numb. Something that doesn’t involve a scalpel again because hurting yourself isn’t the answer. But I think you know that now’.

Mac nods and Cara gets up to grab some tissues. Wiping them across his face to dry the tears. Holding them against Mac’s nose so he can blow.

‘It might not be easy over the next few days, but we are all here to help. Cal has asked that you have a 1 to 1 nurse to start off with, so someone will always be around. Today you’ve got me. I’m afraid you’ll need to stay in bed today and tomorrow whilst your body recovers from the surgery but then we can get you up and about. We try to follow a schedule here as we find that structure is helpful to recovery. Do you have anything you want to ask me now about all of this?’

_1 to 1 nurse. Now they really won’t leave me alone. Maybe that’s a good thing. I can’t talk myself into doing something stupid. Staying in bed for the next two days though. Damn. My own fault, I guess._

_Oh, oh no no. I’ve got a catheter again. Don’t think about it. Nothing you can do to change it. She’s not gonna take it out whilst you can’t get up. I’m even more helpless than before._

_I’m such an idiot. I can’t even blow my nose by myself. I hope the stitches heal quickly._

_This is going to suck._

‘Um, how long until I can use my arms again?’

‘Well, the surgeon said that the stitches would come out in 10-14 days’ time, but it depends because your skin may heal slower whilst your nutrition isn’t normal. Hopefully, we can get the splints off before then but that depends on your pain and how much movement pulls the stitches. There was some nerve damage to your left arm, but the surgeon thinks you should get a lot of the feeling back, it just depends on the healing process. Sorry I can’t be more exact’.

‘Ok, so wait and see then. When can I see Jack? I need to explain. I don’t want him to think that I was trying to end it all again. I couldn’t bear it’.

‘Well, I think Cal would like you to get into a bit of a routine here first so it might not be for a couple of days. I can always let Jack know that this wasn’t a suicide attempt. You know, he really cares about you. Cal says he argued until he was blue in the face to be allowed to stay with you’.

Mac smiles slightly. A warmth spreading over him. ‘I want to see him in person but maybe you could write him a note if I dictate it. Can’t exactly write it myself’, Mac huffs.

‘We can definitely do that. Let’s sort out your dressings and get you some food first’.

‘I’m not really hungry’.

‘It’s only something small. We need to get back into the routine of eating little and often. You did really well at the Phoenix to get some weight back on, we need to continue that’.

‘Ok’.

Cara walks across to the sink, washing her hands and putting an apron on. Mac notices his room has an en-suite bathroom.

_Not that I’ll be using that much._

His thoughts are distracted as Cara comes back across to the bed and starts the lengthy process of removing Mac’s dressings.

‘You need to tell me if any of this hurts. I’ll try and soak away the dressings so that they don’t get stuck with dried blood. Plus, you don’t have to watch. Just close your eyes and relax’.

Mac does as she says and lays back with his eyes closed. He listens as Cara hums a song he doesn’t recognise.

_I don’t feel brave enough right now to look at them. I can’t feel them, and I don’t want to see them. Not yet anyway. I know they’ll look better as they heal. No point in scaring the life out of me. Just be something else to worry about._

Mac hears the velcro of the second brace being closed and realises that Cara must be done. He opens his eyes and lifts his head.

‘That wasn’t too bad was it?’

‘No. I liked the humming. I didn’t have to think too much’.

‘Ah, my secret weapon. Dressing changes are never fun. Right, what do you fancy to eat? Yogurt? Applesauce? I could probably even find a pudding or some scrambled eggs?’

Mac makes a face at the suggestion of eggs.

‘Too soon for eggs, I think. If I have to eat something, maybe a pudding?’

‘You got it’.

Cara pulls out a tablet Mac hasn’t noticed before and he guesses she must be sending a message as five minutes later an orderly appears with a tray.

Mac looks at the pudding on the tray.

_Wait. I can’t…… Oh no, she’s going to feed me. Oh man! This is embarrassing._

Mac closes his eyes and leans his head back on the pillow with a sigh.

‘I’m guessing you’ve worked out how this is going to happen. I know you’re probably embarrassed but this is my job. It’ll be over before you know it and you’ll be able to saviour what I know is a very tasty pudding’, Cara reassures him.

Mac sighs again and opens his eyes, looking across at her.

‘Ok, let’s do it’.

‘Great. I’m just going to use this to cover up your top half. I’m sure you want to avoid a gown change; it probably won’t be particularly easy for a few days’.

_Oh wonderful. She’s basically got me a bib. Maybe it’s a good thing Jack isn’t here. This is mortifying. I’m not a child. I did this to myself though, maybe this is my punishment._

Eating the pudding is exhausting but Mac admits he does feel slightly better having done so. Cara cleans away the food and grabs some paper and a pen.

‘You want to do this letter now or wait? It looks like you’re starting to flag’.

‘No, I need to do it now. I’ll try and make it short. Right…… Jack, I don’t really know what to say except that I want to talk to you in person and I can’t do that right now. I just need you to know that I didn’t want to leave. Not this time. I just wanted to feel something. I know that it’s probably difficult to understand and I get it if you don’t think you can see me again. I just needed to tell you’.

‘Done? Want me to sign it somehow?’

‘Um, just put Mac’.

Cara nods. ‘Time for some rest I think now. Good job’.

Mac closes his eyes, vaguely aware of Cara pulling a blanket up to his neck, hiding his arms from view.

_One thing at a time._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading x


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jack gets to visit :)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh my! Apologies lovely readers and thanks to one in particular, who asked me today if I was planning on posting this week. My brain has died. I proof read my latest chapter yesterday and was sure I had uploaded it *doh*.
> 
> Febuwhump has got me all confused!!
> 
> Anyway, here is Chapter 12, only a little bit late!

The next couple of days consist of Mac sleeping a lot. His body is physically and mentally exhausted. The surgery and another round of ECT not helping him to stay awake. Nick and Rosie, two more 1:1 nurses, make sure to wake him every few hours for some food.

‘Go away’.

‘Come on Mac, you don’t have to be awake for long. Just need to eat something’.

‘Not hungry’, Mac whines.

‘It’s just a small amount, you’ll feel worse if you don’t have anything. Look, you don’t even have to wait for it to arrive. It’s right here. I just need you awake enough to swallow it and not choke’.

Mac leaves his eyes closed and opens his mouth.

_If they’re going to feed me like a baby, I’m going to be one. I don’t care anymore’._

‘Eyes open Mac, even if it’s just until I get it in your mouth’.

Mac forces his eyes open long enough to take in the plastic ‘bib’ and the spoon coming towards him. As soon as the food is in his mouth, his eyes close again whilst he eats it.

_I’ll concede, eating is getting easier. Hate being fed like this though. I wish they’d just left me on the NG tube feed all the time until I can use my arms again. I miss using my hands. They were so useful and now suddenly they’re not. Maybe I can just sleep the time away._

**MacJackMacJackMacJackMacJackMacJack**

Day three of the hold arrives and Mac knows Cal will want to discuss it.

_He’s not going to let me go. He did that last time and look what happened. I deserve this._

‘Hey Mac, how are you doing?’

‘Alright’.

‘I see we’ve moved on to having proper breakfast. Any good?’

‘It’s fine. Be better when I can feed myself’, Mac replies looking to Cara first before back at Cal.

‘I can understand that. I know you want some independence, and you’ll get there, it just takes time. Dr Madani didn’t want all his excellent work ruined by rushing the healing’.

‘I know. I just… I’m frustrated. I can’t feed myself, I can’t use the bathroom, I haven’t had a shower in days, I haven’t seen Jack or anybody else for what feels like forever. I just want to get on with life again and there are all these barriers’.

‘Well, let’s see if we can start to change some of that. We can get you up and about today, so the bathroom is no longer off limits. I will warn you though, you might still need some help’, Cal winces. ‘Sorry’.

‘It’s better than being stuck in bed all day’.

‘I’ll see what I can do about a shower. That might depend on what the wounds look like when we do a dressing change next. You won’t be able to do much in the shower, but if you just want to stand there and let the water roll over you, we can do that. What else? Ah, Jack. I thought I might break my own rules. Let him come in about lunchtime. We usually only do evening visiting but I’m aware you haven’t seen him for a few days. Plus, I fear if I wait any longer, I may have to defend myself against his violence’, Cal grins.

‘Thank you’.

‘Nothing to be thanking me for. This is all you Mac. Anything else?’

‘The hold?’

‘Yes, you remember what the possible outcomes are?’

Mac nods.

‘I will be making an application for a 5250 hold, so that you can stay with us for up to 14 more days. There has to be a court hearing when these kinds of holds are applied and you can attend if you want to, with legal representation of your choice’.

Mac feels sick.

_I don’t know why I’m shocked. It’s not like he was gonna let me go after what happened. I deserve this. Plus, with my arms I wouldn’t be going home yet anyway. I just hope Jack will be allowed to stay longer. I don’t know if I can do this without him. I don’t want to do this without him. If… If he still cares._

‘I don’t have the energy to argue a hearing. I don’t want to go. Just do whatever’.

‘Well, the hearing has to go ahead anyway as a legality, so if you change your mind let me know. I’ll leave you with Cara now for a dressing change and maybe that shower afterwards. I’ll let her make that decision. Jack will be here at lunchtime and I haven’t scheduled anything this afternoon’.

Mac nods.

‘I’ll try and pop in later to see how things are going and I’ll arrange our first proper session for tomorrow’.

**MacJackMacJackMacJackMacJackMacJackMacJackMacJack**

The morning passes quite quickly after Mac finishes breakfast. The dressing change takes ages (at least it feels like it to Mac) and he’s disappointed when Cara says no to a shower. However, he is allowed a bath as then there’s no danger of falling over. He’s embarrassed that Nick has to help him in and out of the bath but he’s almost getting used to having no privacy.

Mac is clean, dry and sitting in the recliner by the bed when the room phone rings. Cara answers it.

‘Mac, Jack’s just arrived at reception. You happy for him to come down?’

‘Yes’.

‘Ok, I’ll let them know’.

_Oh, please let him not hate me. At least he’s come. I know they keep telling me he wanted to visit but what if he just thinks it is his duty? No Mac, listen to them. He cares, he wants to be here._

_I look rubbish. I’m back in a hospital gown and he’s gonna see my arms. I can’t even hide the dressings under something._

_Deep breaths, it’s just Jack. He won’t care what I look like._

_I feel sick._

Mac looks up to see Jack coming into the room. With no hesitation, Jack walks up to Mac, leans over the recliner and envelopes him in a big hug. Mac relaxes into the comfort that is Jack Dalton. He wills the tears not to fall.

‘I’m sorry’, Mac whispers into Jack’s ear.

‘I know Hoss. Not that I’m sure what you’ve got to be sorry for. I know you just did what you thought would help. Turns out even your big brain gets it wrong sometimes’.

Jack smiles at him, pulling out of the hug and drawing a chair up close. He doesn’t let go of the back of Mac’s neck though, slowly massaging it with his hand.

‘So, how you doing? Need me to take care of anybody? Cara being nice?’ Jack winks in her direction.

The corner of Mac’s mouth rises ever so slightly.

‘I’m ok, I think. I… I missed you’. Mac feels his face start to get hot and he looks away.

‘Hey, look at me’. Jack waits until Mac turns to face him. ‘You don’t need to be embarrassed, I missed you too. Was thinking about having to try and sneak in before Cal reached out this morning’.

‘I’m glad you’re here. Did… did you get my note? I just, I just needed you to know. I wasn’t trying. It wasn’t like last time. I didn’t want you to think that. I was planning on coming back, I just needed some space, some quiet. Not from you, just everything’. Mac’s started rambling and Jack squeezes the back of his neck before interrupting him.

‘Mac, stop. I got your note and you’ve got nothin’ to worry about. I understand. And what have I said already about a thousand times and I’m gonna keep saying? I’m not going anywhere. You got me. Always. Even if Cal is being a stickler for the visiting rules’.

Mac half smiles again.

_I don’t know why I was so worried. This feels normal. Well, as normal as it can be with me in hospital again._

‘So, what are we gonna do today? Huh? I see you’re allowed out of bed now. Nice going. Cara, we allowed to take a turn round the ward or something?’. Cara has been sat out the way for the whole conversation, doing paperwork on her tablet. She looks up and smiles.

‘That sounds great. Maybe we can do it after lunch. Should be here any minute’.

Mac groans.

‘Hey dude, what’s up? Thought eating was going in the right direction?’

‘I just want to be able to feed myself. I didn’t want you to have to see this. I’m basically a small child. Cara’s got a bib for me and everything’. Mac looks down at his hands and huffs.

Jack looks across at Cara as if to confirm what Mac is saying.

‘It’s not a children’s bib Mac, it’s just a plastic sheet to avoid too many spillages. And you will be eating for yourself before you know it. I’m sure Jack doesn’t think any less of you because you need a bit of help right now’.

Mac glares at her. ‘A plastic sheet, so a bib basically’, he mutters under his breath.

Jack steps in. ‘I know you’re not a small child buddy. It’s ok to need a bit of help now and then. You don’t have to be embarrassed with me here. I can go if you’d rather…’

‘NO! Please don’t go’.

‘Ok. You got it. I’m here. Maybe… maybe I could help you with lunch? Would that be better. I mean, I’m pretty sure you’ve had to do everything for me in the past when I’ve been sick’.

Jack raises his eyebrows, the question left on his face, waiting for Mac to respond.

Mac takes a deep breath and Jack can see his feet tapping on the ground.

_He’s nervous. He’s not usually nervous around me. I gotta get Cal to let me be here more. Then I can show him I don’t care what he can and can’t do, as long as he’s alive._

Eventually Mac answers, cutting through Jack’s thought process.

‘I’d like that, if… if you’re sure?’

‘Absolutely Hoss. When will lunch get here?’

‘Right about now’, Cara answers, turning to see the orderly coming in the door.

**MacJackMacJackMacJackMacJackMacJackMacJackMacJack**

Lunch goes well. Jack’s ability to read Mac’s thoughts and body language help. Cara’s impressed when he manages to cajole Mac into eating an extra pot of Jell-O. Plus, turns out Mac’s ‘bib’ is quite useful after Jack manages to drop a whole spoon of macaroni cheese down it when he isn’t concentrating.

After a quick pitstop at the bathroom, with Jack helping, Mac is ready for a walk.

‘I’m just going to go and grab something to help with that. I’ll be back in two minutes’. Before either of the boys have time to respond, Cara is out the door.

‘Ok, now she’s gone. I’ll admit. I think she is making you wear a bib’. Jack grins at Mac. ‘But that’s our little secret and you do look kinda cute’.

If Mac had the strength, he would dearly love to hit Jack, but settles on glaring at him instead. Jack was the one making the mess after all.

As promised, Cara is back in a flash, carrying a wide canvas belt.

‘I think you’d agree that you’re a little unsteady on your feet at the moment and Jack and I won’t be able to get hold of your elbows to give you support if you need it. So, I’ve got this belt that we can put on you and if you start to feel dizzy or unsteady, Jack and I can grab hold of its handles and sit you down slowly. Rather than you falling down. Ok?’

Mac frowns.

_I’m already embarrassed about leaving the room in a hospital gown and my dressings. Now I’m just going to look even more of a fool. Maybe I should just say I’m tired and don’t want a walk._

_But I don’t want to let Jack down, he looked so up for a walk. And I want to do something normal-ish. Man up Mac, it will be fine. Jack will be there._

‘Mac? Mac, you ok?’ Jack asks.

‘Hmm?’

‘You checked out. You heard what Cara said?’

‘Er, yeah. It’s fine. Let’s just get it done’.

Five minutes later and the trio are making slow progress along the corridor.

_I didn’t realise it would be this hard. My legs feel like jelly and breathing takes so much more effort. I think I’ve lost all my muscle. It’s going to take weeks to get it back and I miss running. Running to clear my head, get away from everyone. That’s a coping strategy surely. I’m fed up of having useless arms._

_Oh man, I think I need to sit._

‘I… I need to sit. I need to sit!’ Mac says hurriedly.

Jack and Cara quickly grab hold of the belt as Mac starts to list to one side, another nurse grabbing a wheelchair that’s been left parked in the corridor. They gently manoeuvre him into the chair. Frustratingly for Mac, they are back at his room in no time.

_Is that really all I walked?_

_I thought it was further._

Mac is too exhausted to protest as Cara and Jack lift him back into bed, but desperately tries to keep his eyes open.

‘Go to sleep Hoss. I’ll be here when you wake’.

As if Jack’s permission was all that was needed, Mac is asleep in seconds.

Mac sleeps away the rest of the afternoon, Jack waking him for his evening meal. A familiar pattern emerging again as Jack helps Mac to the bathroom, before helping him with his food. Mac can hardly keep his eyes open.

‘Now dinner is done, I think I’m going to skedaddle. Looks like you could use some more sleep Hoss’.

‘I’m sorry. I don’t want you to have to go. I just can’t say awake’, Mac grumbles.

‘How many times have I fallen asleep on you in Medical? I get it. No apologies bud. Now get comfy, I’ll see you soon’, Jack reassures Mac.

‘Will… Can you wait until I fall asleep?’ Mac asks embarrassed.

‘Of course. Shove over, I’m getting in’. Jack hops up on the bed and settles himself behind Mac. Mac relishes the warmth of Jack’s chest and is asleep in no time. Mac doesn’t know it, but Jack sits there for another half an hour just watching his boy before slowly sliding out from underneath him and heading home.


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mac has his first session with Cal...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry people, having said I would be late posting, I realised I've written more than I thought I had!!! Brain is definitely fried after Febuwhump. Back to this fic now though. 
> 
> Thanks to my beta @teamimprov. Heed the tags and I hope you're all staying safe.
> 
> We're just all going to pretend 05x05 never happened :)

Morning comes and Mac wakes up missing Jack’s warmth. Nick helps him through the morning routine and into some scrubs before his session with Cal.

Mac zones out as he is wheeled along the corridors to Cal’s office.

_I know I didn’t want the wheelchair, but I never would have made it this far. Well maybe I would… but it would have taken hours._

_That would have been a good way of getting out of this._

_I feel a bit sick._

Mac closes his eyes.

The wheelchair comes to a halt and Mac opens his eyes. Cal is in front of him.

‘Morning Mac. Why don’t we get you in this comfy chair? I think it might be better than the wheelchair’.

Cal indicates a soft, plush looking chair which has arms that Mac can rest his dressings on. Between Cal and Nick, they get Mac settled and as Nick is leaving the room, Cara appears.

‘So, Mac, I’ve asked Cara to join us as your primary nurse. That way you can talk to her anytime about things that have happened in sessions and she can help guide some exercises. However, if you aren’t comfortable having her here this time round, you just need to say’.

Mac pauses, looking at Cara who has taken a seat on his left and then back at Cal on the sofa opposite.

‘No, it’s ok’.

‘Great. Well, I’m guessing you might be anxious about what these sessions entail, so why don’t I explain a bit about it’.

Mac nods.

‘We’re going to be mainly using something called CBT, Cognitive Behavioural Therapy. It’s a way of talking about how you think about yourself, the world and other people and how what you do affects your thoughts and feelings. It’s more about the here and now problems, rather than going back and trawling through your childhood etc. How does that sound?’

‘Er’, Mac swallows and chews his lip. ‘A bit scary. It seems like a lot’.

‘I can understand that. I think we should just focus on today’s session for now. Don’t worry about what’s to come. Just here and now, ok’.

Mac nods.

‘So, our thoughts, feelings and behaviours are all interconnected. Let me give you an example. The other morning, my friend James woke up feeling pretty rubbish. All he could think about was how much he didn’t want to go to work. He didn’t think that he’d done a very good job the day before and was concerned he would mess up again. These are his thoughts and feelings. Now because he was thinking and feeling like that, it affected his behaviour. He decided he would just pull up the covers and stay in bed, which made him feel even worse and he got into a cycle. His thoughts, feelings and behaviour all feeding off each other, just making things worse. Does that make sense?’

Mac nods.

‘We would call this a vicious cycle’, Cal says, whilst holding up a diagram illustrating what he’d just talked about. ‘I know you’re a scientist Mac, so like the fire triangle, if you can take away one of these elements – thoughts, feelings or behaviours – or change them, you can stop the cycle’.

‘Like taking away fuel means the fire can’t start?’ Mac says quietly.

‘Yes, exactly’, Cal smiles. ‘Once we have identified what’s in our cycle, we can then change it and therefore change the way we feel. I know this might be difficult, but it would be good for us to think about a specific time when you were recently anxious or depressed’.

_Oh man, I knew this was coming. Ok, you can do this. Just think. Ermm…_

‘What about when you were waiting for Jack to arrive yesterday, you looked a bit anxious’, Cara suggests.

‘Yeah, I guess so’. Mac admits.

‘Great, ok. So, first, what were your thoughts about Jack coming to visit?’ Cal asks.

‘That he hated me’, Mac says, looking down at the floor.

_I can’t believe I’m having this conversation._

‘Alright. Anything else?’ Cal says gently.

_Just like that, ‘anything else?’. Is he not going to tell me I’m wrong or that I shouldn’t be thinking that? This is not what I expected._

‘I couldn’t understand why he wanted to come and see me. I failed him. Maybe he was just coming to see me out of duty, not because he really wanted to. That he’d see my arms and see how sick I am and not want to help. See that I deserved it and I’m a burden and leave’, Mac says, starting to cry.

_I didn’t want to cry. I didn’t want to be weak._

Cara gets up and goes over to Mac, wiping away his tears and helping him blow his nose.

‘Thanks Mac, I know that’s really difficult to say out loud. I’ve written those things down under the thoughts box. What about how you felt, your emotions at the time, any physical sensations’.

‘I… I felt anxious and scared and… guilty. I was terrified he would take one look at me and leave’.

‘You said that you thought you had failed Jack. Did you feel embarrassed or ashamed?’

Mac nods. ‘Yes, both of those things’.

‘And any physical sensations?’ Cal prompts.

‘My heart felt like it was pounding, and all my muscles felt tense. I felt a bit sick’.

Cal smiles. ‘That’s really good. You’re doing really well. And when Jack got into the room, how did it go? What did you do?’ He asks.

‘It went ok, I think. I struggled to look him in the eye. I really wanted to fiddle with something, but I couldn’t. Not with these stupid arms. I think…. I think I tapped my foot instead’.

Mac stops.

_Wait, I’m doing that right now. Oh God._

His face gets hot and he becomes quiet, looking away.

‘Mac, what’s wrong?’ Cal says quietly.

There’s no response.

‘It’s ok if you feel anxious now. I know you like to fiddle with paperclips and you can’t do that right now, so your body’s found a different way to release some of the anxiety. You don’t have to be embarrassed about it, certainly not with us. We all get little habits that get us through difficult times’.

Mac continues to look at his hands, not making eye contact with Cal or Cara.

_I can’t do this. I don’t want to talk to them. This is too hard. And these stupid tears._

Mac sniffs, unable to wipe his nose. Cal looks across to Cara, their eyes having a silent conversation.

‘I think we’ll leave it there today. You’ve done really, really well Mac’, Cal says, trying to comfort his patient.

Cara goes and kneels in front of Mac.

‘Mac, do you want to blow your nose and wipe those tears before we go?’

Mac nods and Cara obliges. Then Cal and her help Mac back into his wheelchair and before Mac is really aware, he’s back in his room.

Cara and Nick help him get into bed, he’s exhausted. Just as Cara leaves Mac speaks up.

‘I’m sorry’, he whispers.

Cara puts her hand on his shoulder. ‘You have nothing to be sorry about. You did really well’.

‘But… I didn’t finish’.

‘Yes, you did Mac. We finished the cycle. You told us what you thought, felt and how you behaved. There isn’t a set time for these sessions. We finish when we want to, and I think your brain told you that was a good place to stop. So, no apologies. Ok? It was your first time, and you did so well. Now sleep, it looks like you need it’.

Mac closes his eyes and Cara runs a hand through his unruly hair before leaving the room. Nick pulls out his book, knowing Mac will sleep for a good few hours now.

**MacJackMacJackMacJackMacJackMacJackMacJackMacJack**

Nick wakes Mac for some lunch but he hardly remembers it. He wakes properly again about 3.30pm.

‘Is there anything you would like to do this afternoon Mac? I know that Jack is coming by about 6.30pm’, Nick tells him.

‘I… I can’t make my brain work. I just feel so tired. I want to walk but I don’t think I can’, Mac admits.

‘Well, we could go and sit outside in the courtyard in the sunshine. I can take a blanket in case you get cold. Or I think your friend Bozer left some DVD’s for you. Lots of documentaries by the looks of it’.

_Oooo, the courtyard sounds so good, but I just can’t be bothered. Maybe tomorrow._

‘Maybe a documentary’, Mac tentatively suggests.

‘You got it, any particular one? There’s quite a few here’, Nick replies.

‘No, you choose one. I’ve seen all of them before’.

‘Ok then, how about Blue Planet. I’ve heard this David Attenborough guy is quite good. I might learn something’. Nick smiles.

‘Sir David Attenborough’, Mac corrects.

‘Well, I’ll definitely learn something then!’ Nick jokes.

Mac manages about 25 minutes before he nods off.

**MacJackMacJackMacJackMacJackMacJackMacJackMacJack**

Mac doesn’t even realise he’s fallen asleep when he is woken by Jack. He smiles up at him.

‘Hey Hoss. Thought I better interrupt your beauty sleep. Food’s here’.

Mac sighs, ‘I’m not really hungry’.

‘I know kid, but if you keep this up you might get rid of that annoying tube. Now I know you wanna do that’, Jack replies, a wry smile on his face.

‘True’, Mac admits. ‘What’s on the menu then?’

‘I thought you would never ask, my man. I brought Wonton soup from that restaurant you love so much’.

Mac perks up at this. Not even bothered that Jack’s got the bib or has to feed him. The taste is heavenly in his mouth.

‘Oh wow. I have missed this. Mmmmm. Thanks Jack, this is **_so_** good’.

‘Well, I’m glad I hit the bullseye’, Jack says. ‘I hear from Nick you were watching one of those nature docs you’re always talking about, but you fell asleep’. Jack makes a show of looking shocked. ‘You fell asleep to Sir David, I mean. I’m shocked. Shocked’, he says in a stage whisper.

Mac would hit him if he could. ‘I’m tired all the time and Sir David has a really soothing voice’.

‘Alright Hoss. I can agree with that. So, wanna watch the rest?’

‘Yeah’.

Jack sets the DVD running and takes his usual place as Mac’s human pillow. Unsurprisingly, Mac starts to doze off and Jack can’t resist relaxing him further as he cards his fingers through Mac’s hair.

**MacJackMacJackMacJackMacJackMacJackMacJackMacJack**

_Mac can feel the warm sunshine on his back. Something soft under his cheek and tickling his nose. He can smell flowers, floating on a gentle breeze. It’s quiet. He can’t be in Los Angeles. He waits a minute before opening his eyes. The graves of his parents come into focus. He is laying in front of them. Mac suddenly remembers what happened and looks down at his arms, but they are unharmed. He frowns and goes to get up. As Mac makes it to his feet, a familiar voice makes him freeze._

_‘Hello boy scout. I’ve missed you’._

_Mac doesn’t get the chance to respond before a leather clad arm swings towards him and everything goes dark._

_Next thing he knows, his cheek is on fire, the sting of a slap still smarting._

_‘Angus. So glad you could join us. Now, really, I must say how disappointed I am in you. You know that we have a deal. I get to kill you, no one else, not even you and you nearly broke that’._

_Mac looks down, realising that he’s sat in a wooden chair. His arms are duct-taped to the chair, his ankles to the chair legs. As his vision swims in and out of focus he realises that he is still in the cemetery… and he’s not alone._

_Bozer, Riley and Jack are taped to chairs just like he is. His heart starts beating hard in his chest. Bozer and Riley have their heads down, maybe unconscious. Jack is the only one whose eyes are on Mac. He can’t talk as Murdoc has put tape over his mouth, but Mac can read in Jack’s eyes that he is hurting. Hurting but trying to hang on._

_‘Murdoc, what do you want?’ Mac asks scathingly._

_‘Hm, nothing really, except what I’ve already said. Were you not paying attention? I get to kill you, no one else. And I know how much you love your team Angus, so I thought they better join you’._

_Murdoc’s face twists into a fiendish smile. He grabs hold of Bozer’s hair and pulls his head up. Only now can Mac see the knife wound to his throat._

_‘No. No. No. No. No’._

_Mac starts to hyperventilate, the reality of things setting in. Murdoc killed Bozer. His best friend is dead. He can’t take his eyes off the gaping wound. He starts to feel sick. Murdoc is talking but he can’t listen. He looks at Jack who has tears running down his face._

_‘Angus, you really should be listening… I’ll just show you instead’._

_Mac doesn’t think he could be more horrified but then Murdoc lifts Riley’s head. Another wound to the throat. Another dead friend. Mac can’t catch his breath. He tugs his arms, but the duct tape stays firm. He watches Murdoc round the back of Jack’s chair, yanking his head back until Jack’s neck is visible._

_Murdoc pulls a scalpel out his pocket. ‘This is not my usual choice of weapon, but it seems only fitting, since you brought it with you, that I use it to despatch your team’._

_Mac tries to zone Murdoc out. His eyes, blurry tear-filled eyes, are fixed on Jack’s. Jack has tears streaming down his face, but his breathing is slow, like he’s resigned to his fate._

_‘Jack. Jack. I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry’, Mac sobs. ‘Please Murdoc, don’t. Leave him. Leave him and take me’. Mac notices Jack’s eyes get wide at this and there is a small shake of his head. Always trying to protect his kid, right to the end._

_Mac holds his breath as Murdoc brings the knife down to one side of Jack’s throat._

_‘Don’t worry Jack’, Murdoc comforts him, ‘I’ll make it quick’._

_Before Mac can say anything else, Murdoc has pulled the scalpel across Jack’s throat in one swift movement and Mac watches the life drain from Jack’s eyes._

_There is silence for a moment before Mac starts screaming._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for sticking with me. Hopefully my explanation of CBT made a bit of sense x
> 
> P.S. I would like to point out I'd written this before Bozer attempted a TERRIBLE impression of Sir David Attenborough on a recent episode :)


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jack is there when Mac needs him and Mac gets a physical health check up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, I haven't posted in a whole week - this is what it feels like after Febuwhump!!!
> 
> Hope you enjoy. I'm still speechless from last night's episode. Thankfully this was prewritten (after a small barren period, was trying to work out where I'm going with this). Don't think I can write anything today!!!
> 
> Thanks beta @teamimprov and @saintsurvivor for bouncing around some ideas!

Mac has been asleep on Jack’s chest for about an hour before he starts to wriggle. Just a little shift here and there but enough that Jack is concerned. He resumes running his hand through Mac’s hair as he starts to mumble.

It’s another 5 minutes before Mac’s voice becomes more intense and Jack starts to understand some of the words.

‘No, No, No, No, No’, Mac mutters, twisting his head from side to side.

Jack can recognise the signs of a nightmare, particularly in his kid. He slowly starts rubbing up and down Mac’s upper arms.

‘Mac. You’re ok, it’s just a dream. Mac, can you wake up for me’, Jack soothes.

The soothing isn’t working though, Mac’s voice getting louder.

‘Jack, I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry’. Jack can see the tears running down Mac’s face. Nick has become aware that there is a problem and approaches the bed. Jack looks across at him.

‘He’s having a nightmare. He’s had them before, a lot, but not for a while’. Jack answers the silent question.

‘Can I do anything?’ Nick asks.

‘No, I just need to wake him up. I don’t want him to injure himself or pull any stitches’, Jack responds.

‘Mac’, Jack says more sternly. ‘I need you to wake up. You’re ok. Wake up’.

Mac suddenly jack knifes up, eyes open and screaming at the top of his lungs. Jack scrambles off the bed to get in front of him. He grabs hold of Mac’s shoulders.

‘Mac, Mac! You’re ok, it was just a dream. None of it was real’.

Mac continues to scream, bringing a couple of other nurses running. Nick, thankfully, holds them up by the door. Jack continues to try and get through to Mac.

‘Mac, come on buddy. Listen to me. It’s not real. You’re ok. You’re safe’. Jack can see it isn’t working. ‘MAC!’ he shouts.

Mac stops screaming, eyes out on storks and zipping about the room. Jack is concerned he might faint from hyperventilating. He takes Mac’s face in his hands.

‘Mac. Mac. Look at me. At me. There you go. You’re ok. It was just a dream. You’re alright. We are all ok’, Jack reassures him, watching the tears fall.

‘J..ck’, Mac croaks out. He finally looks like he is back in the room. ‘You’re… here’. His whole body is trembling.

‘Course I am. I’m not going anywhere. It was a dream, buddy. A really bad dream. You’re in the hospital remember. You’re gonna be ok. You’re safe’. Jack repeats as Nick comes up behind him with a portable oxygen cylinder and nasal cannula. ‘Hey buddy, do you think you could slow your breathing down? Deep breaths. I think you got that heart of yours good and racing. You’re alright. I’m just gonna put these under your nose, get a bit more oxygen to that big ol’ brain of yours’.

Jack gently puts the cannula in Mac’s nose and threads it over his ears, being careful of the NG tube. Mac doesn’t argue.

Slowly but surely, with Jack just sitting there, hand running up and down Mac’s back, his breathing starts to slow. Nick dismisses the other nurses and retakes his seat in the corner. 15 minutes later Mac’s breathing is back to normal and he reaches up to pull the cannula from his face.

‘I’m sorry’, he whispers.

‘Hoss, you have _nothing_ to be sorry about. It was a nightmare. You know I’ve had my fair share of them. Do you want to talk about it?’

Mac shakes his head.

‘That’s ok’. Jack pauses. ‘How do you feel about maybe having a quick cloth wash, changing your clothes. Your back is pretty sweaty bud’.

‘Please’, Mac gets out.

‘Alright then. Nick, any chance of a bowl of warm water, a couple of cloths, clean sheets and clean clothes?’ Jack asks, turning behind him to Nick.

‘Coming right up’, Nick replies as he quickly leaves the room. He knows Mac is in good hands.

Jack looks back at Mac. ‘Reckon you can make it to the recliner?’ he asks.

He nods and between them, Jack steadying, they get over to the recliner. Mac sits and Jack gently lifts the scrub top off, being vigilant of the dressings. Nick returns with the bowl and cloths. Jack softly wipes Mac’s face, getting rid of the tears from earlier. Mac closes his eyes and leans into the touch.

‘Don’t go to sleep on me Hoss, not yet’.

‘Feels nice’.

‘Well, I’m glad to hear that. Gonna do your back now’.

Jack proceeds to wash Mac’s back and upper arms, before washing across his chest and abdomen. Nick drafts in another nurse to help him change the sheets whilst Mac is being washed. Having washed and dried Mac’s top half, Jack helps him into a clean hospital gown.

‘I’m done kid. Let’s get you back into bed, yeah?’ Jack suggests.

Mac nods and Jack helps him back to bed and tucks him in.

‘Don’t go!’ Mac pleads.

‘Hey, don’t stress. I won’t go anywhere. I’m just gonna pull up this here recliner’. Jack looks across to Nick to see if he’s going to stop him, but Nick just smiles and nods. Jack gets comfy in the recliner and puts his hand in Mac’s.

‘I’m right here. You’re safe’.

‘Thanks Jack’, slurs Mac, already half asleep.

**MacJackMacJackMacJackMacJackMacJackMacJackMacJack**

Mac wakes up and feels something warm in his hand. He looks down and realises that Jack is still there, holding his hand and asleep in the chair. Cara gives him a wink from where she’s sat and mouths ‘You ok?’

Mac mouths back ‘Bathroom’. Cara nods and makes her way across to him. Somehow, Mac manages to get out of bed without waking Jack. However, he is awake by the time Mac is shuffling back.

‘Hey Hoss, need a hand?’ Jack asks.

‘No, I got it’, Mac responds.

_I should be able to get to the bathroom and back without two people helping. One is embarrassing enough._

Jack waits until Mac is back in bed before broaching the subject of him leaving.

‘Now that you’re awake and settled, I’m gonna head on out. You’ve got the beautiful Cara with you and I am no match for her’. Jack winks. ‘Plus, I’m not sure I really should have stayed the night bud, so I’m gonna disappear before Cal gets in’.

_I don’t want him to go. What if I fall asleep again and have a nightmare? I might hurt someone. I need to be able to wake up and see he’s ok. That everyone is ok._

_A whole day without seeing him._

_Man, I’m pathetic._

_Stop thinking like that. He’ll come if I really need him and I have to try being by myself. Well, with Cara or Nick or Rosie._

_I can do this. I’m not a child._

‘Ok, thanks for staying’, Mac replies, trying to keep the emotion out of his voice. Jack rests a hand on his shoulder, squeezes once and then turns and leaves the room. Mac sighs.

‘Ready for some breakfast Mac?’ Cara asks.

He nods.

‘Great, I’ll get it sent now’.

They sit in comfortable silence until Mac’s breakfast arrives.

‘Do you want me to let you know what’s on the agenda for today?’ Cara asks as she starts to feed Mac.

‘Ok’, Mac answers reluctantly.

‘So, ECT has been scheduled for this afternoon. I know you usually have it in the morning, but Dr Reeves is coming in to see you in a bit. I understand you didn’t get the best night’s sleep, so that’s it for today. Maybe you could get a nap in at lunchtime’.

‘I don’t have to see Cal about my bad night?’ Mac asks confused.

‘No, that’s not how it works’, Cara starts, shaking her head. ‘We try not to do sessions on consecutive days. It can be quite tiring, and it gives you time to think. Plus, sometimes there’s homework to be done. But, if you want to see Cal, I can give him a call and we can put something in’.

Mac shakes his head. ‘No, no. I just thought I would have to see him, you know’.

Cara smiles sympathetically. ‘Lots of people here have nightmares and you only have to talk about them if _you_ want to. We won’t push it’.

‘Thanks’.

They finish breakfast in silence and then Cara helps him wash before Dr Reeves arrives.

Mac is just settling back into bed when he comes through the door.

‘Mac, nice to see you. You’re looking a bit better. How are you doing?’

‘Ok, I think’.

‘Good. I don’t know if Cara has told you but I’m here to talk all things physical health today. So, first some news that I know you have been longing to hear. I think we can take out the NG tube today’.

Mac’s face lights up with a smile.

‘You’re getting enough nutrition in orally now, but you do need to keep it up. I don’t want to take it out and then put it back in again because you don’t eat’.

‘I understand. I really don’t want it put back in once it’s out’, Mac replies.

‘Good. I can count on you for that one then. I also want to have a look at your arms today and see how they’re healing. I’m sure Cara has been taking excellent care of them’. Dr Reeves smiles as he looks across at the nurse.

‘Plus, I’ll do a round of bloods and all the other boring vitals I know you detest’.

‘Where do you want to start Dr Reeves?’ Cara inquires.

‘Let’s do vitals and bloods first before we get the blood pressure up doing the other bits and pieces. Alright with you Mac?’

‘Yes’, Mac sighs. ‘I’ll just lay here’.

‘Good, that’s all I ask’.

Within 15 minutes, Dr Reeves and Cara have drawn blood and taken Mac’s blood pressure, temperature, oxygen stats, pulse rate and resp. rate. Mac only has to move when Dr Reeves wants his weight.

Once Mac settles back in bed, everything is prepped for the NG tube coming out. Mac watches as a drape is placed across his chest and a syringe of saline is drawn up.

‘Right. I’m going to flush your tube first. Then I’m going to cut the bridle holding the tube in place. I’m going to ask you to take a big breath and I’ll slowly pull the tube out. It might feel a bit uncomfortable, but it shouldn’t hurt’.

Dr Reeves waits as Cara removes the tape gently from Mac’s cheek.

‘Ready?’ he asks Mac.

He nods and takes a couple of deep breaths.

‘Ok, flush going in… Cutting the bridle. Right, big breath’.

Mac takes a big breath and can feel the tube sliding out his nose. Just as on insertion, it seems to go on forever. He closes his eyes, concentrating on staying still. He feels the end of the tube slide free and can’t help but cough. Cara puts some tissues up to his nose and encourages him to blow. Mac opens his eyes and notes the long yellow tube, very much like a snake, laying on the drape on his chest.

_I have never been so pleased to be rid of something. Remember this feeling Mac, you do not want that in ever again._

_Small step to recovery. I can do this._

Mac nods when Cara offers him a glass of water to soothe his throat. He can’t help but smile.

‘I can see you’re pleased to be rid of that’, Dr Reeves remarks.

‘You have no idea’, Mac replies.

‘Well, I’m pleased for you. This is a really big step. Well done. Do you want a break before we move on to your arms?’

‘No, let’s just get it done’.

‘You don’t need to do much for this Mac, so you can just relax while we remove the dressings and take a look’.

_Good. If I can just close my eyes and not have to look at my monumental mistake, then great. Please let them be healing ok. I want to use my arms again. I want to fiddle with paperclips when it’s all too much. I want to look normal, then people might think I’m ok and not ask ‘How are you?’ with sad eyes._

_Deep breaths. Just don’t look._

Dr Reeves notes Mac closing his eyes and swallowing nervously. He decides not to raise it before he’s inspected under the dressings. He hopes to be able to give Mac good news.

Mac can feel the cool air on his forearms as the dressings are removed. Dr Reeves and Cara are chatting quietly, but he zones out, not wanting to hear what’s going on. He can feel the wounds being wiped over much like they do on a dressing change. However, then there is a new feeling. Prodding. That’s the only way he can describe it, prodding his injuries. He winces.

‘Sorry, this might hurt a little, but I’ll try and keep it to a minimum. Do you want some pain relief?’ Dr Reeves asks.

Mac shakes his head, jaw tense.

_I don’t need pain relief; this is good pain. Healing pain. I deserve this. I can do this. Be a man. No crying. Come on, it’s a little pinch._

Dr Reeves frowns, knowing Mac’s got his eyes closed and looks across to Cara.

‘Are you sure Mac? There’s no shame in needing some’, Cara tries.

‘I’m fine’, Mac bites out, not opening his eyes.

Dr Reeves continues his examination.

After about 20 minutes, the prodding and poking stops.

_Oh, thank goodness. I’m not sure how much more of that I can stand._

‘Mac, can you open your eyes? I want to talk about your arms’, Dr Reeves says.

_He hasn’t redressed them. I don’t know if I want to see them._

_I can’t see them. Not yet._

_'_ Can you cover them up? I don’t think I can see them yet’, Mac asks, without opening his eyes.

‘Of course. Sorry, I should have thought to ask… There, all clear’.

Mac opens his eyes and looks at Dr Reeves and Cara, afraid to look further down. He can see the edges of the white gauze though, covering the mess underneath.

‘Your wounds are looking really good Mac. There are no signs of infection at the moment. Cara has obviously been doing an excellent job keeping them clean and the braces are helping limit movement. I know Cara has explained a bit about your wounds and that there is some nerve damage to your left arm. One of the knife wounds went deep enough that it sliced through the nerves’.

_Oh. I don’t know if I can listen to this._

_Idiot. You did this to yourself._

_Just breathe._

Mac takes a deep breath and releases it slowly. Dr Reeves picks up on his unease.

‘Sorry. I know this must be difficult to talk about. I can go into less detail if you would like, just tell you what we are going to do, not why’, he says.

‘No’, Mac replies. ‘I need to hear this, just keep going’.

‘Tell me if you need me to stop though’. Dr Reeves says.

Mac nods.

‘So, the nerve. It was a straightforward primary repair, so Dr Madani sewed the two ends back together. This is the best type of nerve repair and should hopefully mean a full recovery, albeit after some time. Your left arm, therefore, is going to take longer to heal than your right and I think we should start to separate the treatment plan for each arm’.

‘So, the left arm. We are going to put a compression sleeve on to help with healing and scaring. I’m also going to leave the brace on. It is probably going to need to be on until the stitches come out in about 5-6 days’ time. Then we can look at a below the elbow brace, so you get a bit of movement back’.

Mac nods in understanding.

‘The right arm. Again, stitches come out in 5-6 days. We can replace the above the elbow brace on this arm with a shorter one. That way you have got a bit more movement. We’ll also put a compression sleeve on. However, and this is a big one. You still need to limit the movement in your right arm to help the stitches heal. Therefore, repeated actions in a short space of time that put too much strain on them, like feeding yourself for instance, are a no go’.

Mac slumps slightly in bed.

_And there was me thinking I wouldn’t have to continue being a child._

‘I know that’s not what you really want to hear Mac, but it does mean things like picking up a glass of water, using the bathroom by yourself, are now possible. It should also make lying in bed and sitting more comfortable, as you can flex the elbow’.

_I suppose using the bathroom by myself is good. It’s all just so slow though. I want it to move quicker. There’s too much thinking time right now._

‘I think that’s all I needed to discuss with you, unless you’ve got any questions?’ Dr Reeves asks.

Mac shakes his head, still processing everything.

‘Well, I’ll let Cara sort out the new dressings and leave you to it. If you do think of anything you want to talk about, just let me know and I’ll pop in’.

Dr Reeves leaves, and Cara gets to work.

‘Alright Mac, just lie back and close your eyes. I’ll have this all sorted as quickly as I can and then you can have a sleep before ECT’.

_It’s a never-ending cycle. ECT, dressing changes, sleeping. I’m bored already. None of this is doing anything. Great, I’m eating again and don’t have the stupid tube but what’s the point? Is it really just going to go back to how it was before? Saving the world on a day-to-day basis and pretending I’m ok when everything falls apart…._

_No. Just stop thinking. Stop thinking and sleep. Deal with it later._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You still with me?
> 
> Thank you x

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! Feel free to leave a comment if you've got the time/inclination! :)


End file.
